


Peaches & Promises

by Kaiidth_whatisis



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Break Up, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Suffering, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:33:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 33,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25280089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaiidth_whatisis/pseuds/Kaiidth_whatisis
Summary: Yet he was a living being, a sentient being, and had emotions although controlled by the dictates of the logical-mental discipline. He was alive.Alive.What did he want?What do you want, Spock?"I'm afraid to die too"Illogical.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock, Spock/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 10
Kudos: 51





	1. I sentence you to death

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fanfiction in english, I am italian and this work is a translation, however if someone wants to help me in this translation I would really appreciate. I am sorry if you'll find errors but some of our common saying are untranslatable. I hope you'll enjoy this work.  
> At the beginning of each paragraph you will find a stardate and other information, I suggest to read them carefully because from the fourth chapter you could have some problem understanding the events and the years (it is a back and forth between past, present and future). Thank you and enjoy!
> 
> A special thanks to my boyfriend, he is my beta and my consultant. This is for you, Ashayam.

_“You taught me the courage of stars, before you left_

_How light carries on endlessly, even after death_

_With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite_

_How rare and beautiful it is, to even exist”_

[Saturn – Sleeping at last](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzNvk80XY9s&list=RDMMdzNvk80XY9s&start_radio=1)

**I sentence you to death**

_2246.5.3 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

Jim opened his eyes when a ray of sunshine entered the window and spilled over him. He moaned sleepily, with the desire to turn his back on the warm ray of light and go back to sleep, but he knew that Mrs. Kuida would soon arrive to wake him up and order him to prepare. He estimated that getting up at that precise moment would have time to clean up and get dressed without having to hurry in just five minutes.

He sat up on the bed and stretched yawning loudly, he was sweaty and the sheets had stuck on him during the night. He hated the heat.

He went to the bathroom and got rid of his clothes to throw himself in the cold shower, repressing a grimace of disgust when the jet of water hit him on the shoulders. The substance could not really be called water, it was mostly muddy and was replicated. Tarsus IV was an average hot planet, however despite the fact that water resources were not scarce, real water was used only for drinking, while for personal hygiene or other purposes, replicated water was used.

He tried to wash quickly and went out of the shower wiping himself and going to his room to put on clean clothes. As he fastened his shoes he heard the sound of footsteps hitting the linoleum floor outside the door followed, after a few seconds, by a thud against the door.

"James Tiberius Kirk you have five minutes to prepare, after which you must be escorted to the mess hall for breakfast".

"Coming" he just screamed back.

He finished putting on his clothes and went back to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He looked in the mirror where he was fixed by his own blue eyes accompanied by deep dark circles and ran a hand through his blond hair to fix them as best he could. He had always had unruly hair, impossible to manage, and since he had arrived on that planet he had simply stopped trying to keep it in order. Just as he had stopped keeping his life in order.

He was a boy, he was only twelve years old and, although the planet Tarsus IV was not bad, he would have preferred to be at home, on Earth. Of course, not that things went well at home, her mother was never present, she served on the ship USS Farragut as Chief Engineer and her missions always took her to space, her brother Sam had decided to leave him alone.

_“I don't know how to be a Kirk. Tell me, how do you do it? "_

Those were the last words George Samuel Kirk, his _amiable_ brother, had addressed to him. And he hadn't known how to answer, he didn't know how he managed to be a Kirk. He was Jim, only Jim and that didn't seem enough.

He didn't know, because he didn't even know the man from whom he had inherited that surname: George Kirk. The man who had been captain for only twenty minutes and had saved over eight hundred lives including his mother and his. But that man was dead, exploded into space, and everything Jim knew had simply been told to him, over and over and over, to the point of nausea, until he learned to hate that man.

When he freaked out, stealing his father's old _Corvette_ , to rebel against his uncle Frank, he simply wanted to do something to prove that he wasn't _just_ a Kirk. He was Jim, only Jim.

But this was no longer relevant, his uncle had decided, after the mishap with the car, to send him to the colony on Tarsus IV, there the problematic children were followed by sociologists, teachers and social workers, so that they could be re-educated to life in society. Or Tarsus, or prison.

He finished getting ready and went to the door of his room, opening it. Ms. Kuida looked at him with her lips tight in a thin line.

“James, I see you are on time today. Follow me, please "

Jim repressed a resigned sigh trying not to irritate her, the punishments in that institution were decidedly harsh - he had learned it at his own expense, shortly after his arrival - and Mrs. Kuida was among the worst.

He had to hold out for at least two years, after which his conduct would be reviewed and he could return to Earth. He just had to be good, _to be a Kirk_.

_2246.5.3 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

"Who among you can tell me the density of the planet Antares V?" Miss Taylor asked an inattentive class of kids. Silence descended on them, nobody seemed inclined to answer.

Jim knew the answer, of course, but didn't want to expose himself. He had been there for three months now, enough to have learned that this strange residence was full of unkind kids, kids who for various reasons had violated the law, and that _brainy_ were not looked upon favorably.

"Then? Nobody?" Taylor continued with an encouraging smile.

She was a beautiful woman, in her prime, with dark hair enclosed in a bun behind her head, a pair of green and large eyes accompanied by a shining smile. Jim wondered what it would have been like to have her as a mother, surely she would have been a better mother than Winona.

"Eight" someone replied, chuckling.

"Eight? Eight, what? It's not an answer" the teacher snorted, disguising her irritation very well.

"Eight point seven grams per cubic centimeter," Jim found himself saying, before thinking, before braking. He would have liked to slap himself.

"Great James! Correct answer. ”Miss Taylor smiled.

"Yes, very good _James_ " whispered someone behind him.

A shiver of terror crossed Jim's back, it was late to rewind the tape.

_If only he hadn't thrown that damned Corvette off the ravine._

A bell rang, marking the end of the morning lessons and the beginning of lunchtime.

Jim took his PADD and started towards the exit, the other boys were leaving, headed by Miss Taylor. Jim arrived at the classroom door but just before crossing it he was dragged backwards and, without even having time to turn around, he was knocked to the ground. He saw a shadow fall over him and a bad smile not far from his eyes.

"So, _Jimmy_ , can you do us the honor of telling us what the density of Antares V is? Or its mass? Or its temperature? You're a _brainy_ , aren't you? What is it, do you hope to go to work on Vulcan? "

Jim didn't answer, he felt paralyzed and terrified of that boy. He was at least two times taller and thicker than Jim, who was rather frail. Besides, he never found himself in a fistfight, so he didn't really know how to fight.

"I ..." he began, not knowing what to say.

"You? What do you? Eh? Do you want to pass us off as idiots? "

 _But you are idiots_ , he thought internally, but did not dare to continue.

He saw a hand get up and instinctively closed his eyes so as not to have to watch while that boy beat him for correctly answering a question.

But the blow didn't come, in its place came a voice “What are you still doing here? You are expected to go to the refectory, move! "

It was Miss Taylor, Jim thought, opening his eyes.

"Yes Miss. We were helping James to get back on his feet because he had stumbled, "replied the boy next to him, gave him a bad look before getting to his feet.

Jim got up slowly and waited for the others to leave, clutched his PADD to his chest and slowly dragged himself towards the mess hall.

_Only two years._

"Have you heard? Students from Vulcan are coming, they will start teaching to us"

The girl next to him was talking animatedly with two other friends. Jim looked at them for a moment, before turning his gaze to the soup abandoned in his tray, waiting to be eaten.

He hated the food in that place, most likely because of the water they used to cook, but it all had a slimy, acrid taste. His uncle Frank had never been a chef, but the food - any food - on Earth tasted better than this.

In spite of everything, he did not miss Frank, his insults, his blows, the evenings when he came home drunk and he and Sam hid in the room, under the sheets, so as not to be in his way.

"What? And why would they send those human computers into this shit hole? "

Jim swallowed a spoonful of soup, a grimace of disgust appeared on his face, but he continued to eat. He could not get up without first emptying his plate, there on Tarsus IV it was not possible to waste food.

 _"We are in a space colony, in an area that does not allow agriculture and cattle breeding, resources are limited. We don't waste even a grain of rice here”_ Mrs. Kuida had told him the first day after he refused to send down his dinner. Obviously he hadn't been told in a polite way, _nothing_ in that place was kind.

"Hell if I know! It will surely be fun to try to make them lose their temper " laughed the girl next to him.

 _Vulcans_.

Maybe, thought Jim, the presence of those Vulcans would change things, maybe there would be someone among them to be friends with, someone who hadn't been sent there after stealing, killing, cheating. Someone who didn't try to beat him just for _answering a question correctly_.

Maybe.

 _Maybe_.

_2246.5.12 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

"Governor Kodos is about to make an announcement, kids please, get in line and go to the common room," ordered Miss Shenna. The class, until recently dormant, recovered and a subtle buzz began to spread among the other kids.

"Who knows what he will tell us"

"Maybe he'll let us go home, maybe we've all been forgiven"

"Maybe something happened on Earth"

Jim got up slowly and followed the others to the common room. Nobody talked to him and it was fine. In his heart he hoped that some of them were right, that they had forgiven them all and that they would be sent back to their homes.

 _Frank_ , that's who was waiting for him. But even him was better than this shitty place.

They reached the common room with the kids of the other classes accompanied by their teachers. They were all there, it had to be something important.

Jim realized he had never seen Governor Kodos, although the adults often spoke of him in a reverential tone, he was curious to see the man who led the colony.

His thoughts were interrupted by the image by the holographic reproduction of a man who spread to the center of the room. The man Jim saw had a dry, tall physique and wore a blue uniform with the sign of the Planet sewn on his right shoulder, his pointed face was framed by dark curly hair. He looked young, showed no more than forty years and Jim was surprised by this finding, since he had imagined him to be older. Politicians were usually always boring old men with weight problems.

"Dear citizens and visitors of Tarsus IV" he began, "I thank you for your attention and I promise you that the communication will be short. As you know, for many years this planet has lived in well-being and peace, the Starfleet has always protected us, but by joining forces we managed to create something more than just a colony, we managed to create a planet almost entirely independent and unique "

Jim stared at him carefully, despite the beautiful words and the smile painted on his lips, there was something in the Governor's eyes that did not convince him. The smile did not reach the dark eyes, which remained cold and impenetrable, like the eyes of a predator.

“However, we still depend on the resources the Fleet supplies us with on an annual basis. Despite our attempts to transform the land to make it suitable for agriculture, we can currently only rely on the supplies that the Fleet sends us. This is precisely the reason that drives me to be here, today, to inform you of a regrettable event. The presence of an exotic fungus, not originating from the planet on which we live, has recently been discovered, the spores of this fungus are not as dangerous for humans as for food. Today we discovered that more than half of the resources in our warehouses have been completely destroyed "

Someone behind Jim inhaled loudly, but he did not turn, continuing to stare at the figure in the center of the room which maintained a relaxed posture. Although the Governor was informing them about the destruction of their food, he maintained a surreal calm.

"We have already sent Starfleet communication to provide us with the necessary resources as soon as possible and to support us in eliminating the threat. The fungus and its spores will be studied, to determine its origin, whoever brought this bacterium to our planet will be severely punished. Every effort will be made to reach a solution in the shortest possible time, so that none of you can suffer. "

_So that none of you can suffer._

The Governor had simply updated them on the current situation, and had done so by reassuring them not to worry about anything.

The room, until then dumbfounded, came alive with the shouting of students and teachers, he heard someone mutter "We will have to ration the institute's food".

There didn't really seem to be anything to worry about.

Yet Jim could not help feeling damned worried.

_2246.5.16 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

“Good morning everyone, I introduce you to Solok, he is Vulcan and he is here with other Vulcan students to support yours and other classes during the lessons. Solok and the other Vulcans are part of a special program created by the Department of Interplanetary Education to ensure that in addition to school learning, you can also learn the customs and habits of other races "

Jim watched the Vulcan boy stand next to Miss Taylor.

It was the first time he had seen a Vulcan, if one did not consider the holopic related to the First Contact and other great historical events in the long relationship between Earth and Vulcan.

Solok stood still, with his back stretched and his arms abandoned at his sides, he had short, almost shaved hair and long ears that ended in a point. He was not the first alien he saw, nor the strangest, however there was something about Solok that made him particular. Perhaps the complete lack of expression on his face, Jim told himself.

"Well, Solok, how about if for your first day here with us, you talked to us about Vulcan so that everyone can know better the place you come from?"

Solok turned his expressionless gaze on Miss Taylor, who smiled sadly back, and nodded.

"Very well. My name is Solok, I will avoid exposing my full name since it would be illogical to think that you can fully understand it or, again, reproduce it. The Vulcan language is a complex language for many non-originating peoples. The Solar Star of Vulcan is Forty Eridani A, and within the system we include planets such as Andoria, Betazed and Tellar. The planet travels a Trojan orbit around the sun together with its twin T'Kuth, in fact every seven point two years the planets meet and it is possible to observe the Planet T’Kuth from the surface of Vulcan. The orbital rotation period amounts to one hundred seventy-seven point six standard days with an orbital gradient of zero point fifty-six AU "

Jim continued to stare at Solok, his voice was monotonous without any kind of cadence or undulation, there was no emphasis in his words. He spoke as if the information had already been recorded in his head, as if he did not need to stop and formulate a sentence before speaking. It was interesting but at the same time disturbing.

 _Maybe they're really human computers_ , he thought.

_2246.5.22 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

“Guys in order, without running! Go back to your rooms now. ”Miss Kah tried to stay calm, but her hands trembled and her big blue eyes were filled with terror.

Jim was confused, he didn't know what was going on.

A few minutes earlier, the institute's alarm had gone off and Solok, who was holding an Earth history lesson that day, had stopped talking and turned to look at the teacher, without any expression on his face. However, she had taken on a terrified air as she sprang to her feet running to open the classroom door, the first teachers followed by their children had already begun to pass in the corridor.

The alarm was deafening and now everyone found themselves moving quickly towards their dormitories. Jim managed to take a quick look at the window and noticed three columns of smoke rising towards the sky. There seemed to have been explosions or fires to break out, most likely there had been an attack on the Tarsus IV colony.

He was pushed by someone behind him who yelled at him "Walk, asshole!"

He got back on the road as quickly as possible. Voices alternated around him, someone was screaming, others were crying. The alarm seemed to become increasingly deafening with each step towards the dormitory, its intensity increased from second to second. Or maybe it was just his imagination.

He turned the corner before the stairs that would lead him to the rooms, but was unable to put even one foot on the first step. Someone grabbed him by the shoulder and made him turn sharply, he saw a tall man with a sonic rifle pointed at him.

Jim's eyes widened, his heart seemed to stop and the blood to freeze in his veins, what the hell was going on?

"Come with me, brat!" the man shouted.

He had the red uniform of the guards of Tarsus IV, he recognized it because when he arrived at the colony he had been welcomed by the military who had escorted him to the institute. Had they come to get him? What had he done?

He looked around, trying to understand what the guards might want from him, but he noticed that there were many other soldiers and that he was not the only one who was stopped. The military was escorting everyone out, waiting for them was a hovercraft of those they used on Earth to move between cities.

He was dragged out, unceremoniously. The man was strong and the hold on his arm hurt.

_What the fuck is going on?_

He could not speak, he was too shocked to do it, he realized that his throat was dry and his tongue seemed glued to the palate.

He was badly thrown onto the vehicle, and someone kicked him in the right leg, pushing him towards a seat “sit still” a woman had spoken with a rifle in her hand, looking at him with eyes colder than ice and the hardest expression of marble.

It was a woman and she was threatening him.

It was a woman.

 _Mom_ , he thought.

He sat down and noticed that there were other kids like him on the hovercraft, they were all motionless, some were shaking and others were crying in terror. None of them spoke. He spotted Miss Taylor and a Vulcan boy. It wasn't Solok, though. He wanted to ask them what was going on, he wanted to speak or scream but he couldn't, he couldn't.

Another guard returned throwing another boy on the vehicle, Jim looked at him and with surprise he realized that it was Son, the guy who had threatened him in class almost three weeks before. Son was ruined to the ground and the female soldier gave him a kick in the back. The boy screamed, complained and tried to get up.

"Go to your seat and don't say a word, otherwise you'll see it with my rifle," said the woman.

Son turned very slowly, looked at her for a few seconds before spitting in her face "Die, ugly bitch!" he screamed, forced his arms and rushed towards her to attack her.

He did not have time to touch her that a guard outside the hovercraft pointed the rifle towards him, there was a ray of red light accompanied by a guttural sound and Son fell to the ground with his eyes open and his mouth still in a grimace of anger and pain.

Son was dead and Jim trembled, because that boy had tried to beat him only a few weeks before, that boy had been alive _a few seconds before_. And now he was dead, in a silent scream painted on his face forever.

“The revolution has been a success, but survival requires drastic measures. Your existence is a threat to the well-being of the whole community. Your lives mean slow death for the remaining valuable members of the colony. For these reasons I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution was ordered and signed by Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV "

Jim stared at the podium with wide eyes, a multitude of people gathered around him, trembling, crying, moaning in pain. There were many, too many, it seemed that the whole colony had been brought to that square to listen to those crazy words. Governor Kodos was standing on the podium, a small figure in the distance, yet Jim could swear he knew what look he had, what the light was in his eyes. If he got closer, he knew he would have seen the same look of a few days before, only cold calculation, hardness and impenetrability.

The eyes of a predator.

_I have no alternative but to sentence you to death._

The breathing became heavy, he continued to look around and he noticed some of the kids at the institute, they huddled together, some were crying, he would have liked to join them to be with them, but they wouldn't have wanted him there. They would have turned him down just like they did at the institute. He realized he was completely alone.

_He would have died alone._

He repressed the tears that threatened to escape his control, he did not want to cry, he did not want to collapse and give it to the beast that stared at them from the top of the podium. He wouldn't let him win, it had to be something to do, a way to escape from that absurd situation.

He was twelve, he couldn't die like that!

He looked around, the square was surrounded by the large buildings of the colony and some luxury villas, in the distance the valley was surrounded by mountains.

_Think, Jim._

"Follow the security teams, if you resist you will only speed up your execution" Kodos got off the podium and quickly left.

The soldiers that stopped around the square, shielding the people gathered at its center, moved and began to gather groups of people to bring them to the place of their execution.

Someone started running away from the guards, others tried to emulate them and soon the security teams started shooting at the crowd to quell any attempt at revolt. Jim didn't think twice and started running towards the east exit of the square, it was the one closest to him and was oriented towards the mountains. He ran holding his breath, as if the ground had opened under his feet and there were only flames. He ran to save his life. He ran as if he were still in that damned _Corvette_ on Earth and wanted to jump off the ravine.

Someone pushed him and he fell with his face on the ground, he was trampled and screamed in pain but he tried to get strength and get up quickly or he would have been crushed by hundreds of feet. Blood trickled down his face, he didn't know where it came from, but he realized it didn't matter, _I have to run! Run!_

He got up and started running again, the screams were deafening, the hands pushed him away from his goal and the lasers darted beside him.

They would have killed him. They would have killed him anyway, so it was worth running in an attempt to save himself.

Someone hit him and he found himself staggering again, he would have fallen if a hand had not held him by the arm. Jim turned ready to see a guard but what he saw was only a Vulcan boy who looked at him and held him back.

Jim stared at him in confusion, a sense of relief spread in his belly, he had feared that the guards would have reached him. The other motioned for him to head towards the exit of the square.

A laser darted a few inches from the Vulcan's face and Jim shook himself, leaned forward trying to protect his head with his hands and nodded to the other.

They had to run, run as fast as possible.

_To run. Run! Run, Jim!_

And they ran, lightning fast, sneaking between the legs of the people, the shots of the guns, the screams, the tears and the bodies.

_The bodies!_

They ran and reached the wall that separated the square from the first ring of the city, they flattened against it as if they wanted to become one with it. The exit, as was obvious, was supervised by the Kodos guards, the two boys realized that they would never be able to get through there.

Jim looked at the other boy, they were trapped and the guards would find them shortly to execute them.

The Vulcan did not look at him, he had his eyes focused while observing the surrounding environment, he turned to the wall and bent on his knees.

"The drains, we are both adequately thin to pass"

Jim looked at him in confusion, then realized what he had just been told. The drains were used to drain the water during the rainy season on the planet, that water was collected, filtered and reused. Maybe they could do it, he nodded to the Vulcan.

The other boy grabbed the bars of the iron grate at the foot of the wall and forcefully pulled it towards him, when it was freed from its support, the Vulcan slipped his head and arms into the passage and quickly descended into it. Jim didn't think twice and did the same.

 _Run, Jim_ , he told himself as he fell into the void and darkness of the channels of Tarsus IV.

Jim fell to the ground exhausted, breathing heavily with his eyes closed. His legs ached and he would not have been able to take another step even by gathering the few energies he had left.

He fell to his knees holding on to the wall next to him.

“We can't stay here, we've only driven three points fifty-six kilometers. When they notice that the grate has been removed they will know that we have run away and will follow us "

Jim suppressed a glance at the Vulcan. He didn't want to quarrel with him or even waste precious time, but he couldn't move and the mere thought of resuming walking made his head spin.

"I can't do it, I'm too tired," he said as he sat up, abandoning his back against the wall.

"You Earthlings are weak," said the other.

"Well _excuse me_ Vulcan, you can leave me here if I'm a burden to you" he grunted back.

The other said no more, he remained standing looking around with his hands abandoned at his sides and his rigid back.

"Why are they killing us? Why?" he murmured to himself. He wanted to cry, but could not afford it.

"Food resources are limited, ruined by the spores of an exotic fungus -" replied the Vulcan.

"Yes, I know this! I understood "Jim also leaned his head against the wall, he also wanted to close his eyes, but he didn't "but why kill us? The Governor had clearly said he had communicated with Starfleet and that they would help us"

The other boy turned to look at him, there in the dark it was difficult to really see "However, and these are only mere hypotheses, the Starfleet is delaying and the resources for all the colonists have run out. In the face of this it is evident that, to allow the survival of at least half of the colony, the Governor decided to decimate the other half. This choice was made according to the utility principle. Who is more useful is left alive, who less useful is killed "

Jim smiled bitterly "From how you talk about it, it seems you agree with him."

“I am simply reporting the facts. And now we should keep moving, two zero point six standard hours have passed. It is eighteen and we should look for a way to reach the mountains "

"Yes, yes you are right" Jim sighed while forcing himself to get up, but his aching legs did not move.

"You are physically impeded," said the Vulcan.

"Yes, I'm tired. You can go on, in case they don't find me then I'll look for you "

The other shook his head and went over to Jim. In the dark it was not easy to understand what the other boy was doing, but soon he understood that he was simply taking him in his arms, to carry him weight towards their goal.

"What the hell ... no! Leave me. You can't take me like this, you will get tired and it will be over for both of us! "

“I have to remind you that Vulcans are three times stronger than Earthlings. Also in doing so we will reach our goal faster, and I will not leave you here. "

It was now dark when they reached the mouth of the canal that ended its run in a recess in the ground, this was covered by a thin grate that, most likely, served as a filter for rainwater which flowed into the conduit. The two quickly managed to find a staircase that led to the top where another grate awaited them.

Once out they realized they were beyond the city walls and, looking around, they realized they were at the foot of a forest.

Tarsus IV was a class M planet, very similar to Earth and the woods and mountains, although composed of a flora and fauna different from the terrestrial ones, reminded them vividly.

"We went out," sighed Jim.

"Exactly," echoed the Vulcan.

Jim took a deep breath trying to forget the stench and the acrid smell of the canals they had just come out of, now they had to look for a place to stay that was far enough away from the city.

"We should go into the woods," he said, looking at his companion. He realized he didn't even know his name, despite the fact that the boy had helped him more than once that day.

"What's your name, by the way?"

The Vulcan looked at him, raised an eyebrow before resuming looking at the woods "My name would be difficult to understand and pronounce for an Earthman"

"Well, I'll have to call you somehow. If you don't want to tell me then choose at least one way I could call you. My name is Jim, but you can call me J ".

The Vulcan nodded, before walking towards the woods "My name is S'chn T'gai Spock, but you can call me Shin".

Jim was right behind him.

They walked for minutes or maybe hours, now they didn't even know it anymore. Well, maybe Shin knew it, he always seemed to know _everything_. The path they had chosen was uphill, the weak moonlight of Tarsus IV was of little use since the vegetation was so thick that it did not let it filter. They were in a completely blinding darkness without even considering the tiredness, hunger and fear that had accompanied them throughout the day. And although they were alive, there was something that seemed to presage that they were only prolonging their agony before death.

Shin stopped suddenly looking straight in front of him, Jim was right next to him but shortly before asking why he had stopped the other raised a hand to silence him.

Most likely, Jim thought, his friend was sensing something, the Vulcans had much more developed hearing than the Earthlings.

"There is water one point seven kilometers from here. In the woods, currently, in addition to sounds belonging to the local fauna, there do not seem to be other human beings. However, given my physical and mental fatigue, I could be wrong. In this case the error rate could be - ”but Jim cut him off abruptly.

“No, no error rate. There is water, at the moment let's worry about one thing at a time. We could approach the water and at the first light of the morning continue towards the source, there may be caves or something like that."

Shin raised an eyebrow, but his expression remained unchanged “Very well. This way” he said, before walking towards the sound of the water.

"Shin" Jim began, as they walked towards their goal, the steps dragged and the heavy breathing "I wanted to thank you for what you did today. For taking me into the drains with you and for not leaving me there. Sorry if I am abrupt at times, I ... "he didn't know how to continue. He what? He was simply frightened, terrified, confused, angry. That's why it was sometimes abrupt. Yet that Vulcan boy had helped him and he had done nothing but treat him badly.

The guttural verse of a night bird broke the silence.

"There is no reason to thank me, nor to apologize. You are emotionally compromised after the events of today "

Jim smiled _"Emotionally compromised?"_

The other nodded with a single movement of the head.

"Sometimes you Vulcans talk strangely."

The other did not reply, continuing to walk.

“Our only fault is being alive, then? Is that why Kodos wants to kill us? For the one simple, damned reason that we're _alive_? "

The bird continued with its verse similar to that of an owl. He was most likely a Korl, a bird of prey typical of the woods of Tarsus IV, Jim had studied him at the institute.

"Indeed. Although I do not agree on the morality of the Governor's actions, it is nevertheless a choice dictated by logic. In order to allow the colony to survive, it is necessary to decimate its population ".

“Does that mean it's fair to you that we were sentenced to death? No, Shin, no! I don't accept it. Who can judge how much a life is worth? If my life is more or less important than another's? Who can judge my life or my death? "

“Yet you earthlings have a long history of death sentences. If I remember correctly the last state to abolish the death penalty, it was Japan only two hundred years ago. "

"But we have changed! Furthermore, this does not make us all equal, all in favor of the death penalty. I can't and I don't want my life to be judged! Not like that".

Shin no longer spoke and the two continued to walk for a long time.

That night the two boys slept while remaining awake. It was the longest night and the coldest night of their lives.

They slept listening to the sounds of the forest, they slept listening to the flow of water in the stream.

There was nothing they could do, nowhere to go.

Only that morning Jim had woken up in his room at the institute, only that morning had eaten in the mess hall, had sent down the food without any desire, had hated his being there. Only that morning he had been a problematic kid in an institution for problematic kids. But he had been a kid.

_A kid._

And now? Now what was him?

_You are a fugitive now. You are a fugitive on a Planet that is not Earth, you are a wanted man and if they found you they would kill you._

He was a fugitive who fought for his life, who fought against the death.

In the darkness of the forest, among the Korl verses, the roar of the water and the light breathing of Shin, he was nothing more than a fugitive and this thought knocked him out like a blow to the head.

In the darkness and silence the images of that day, the words of the Governor, the screams and the tears and the shots came back to him with disarming vividness. The people who ran away, the bodies of those who had been hit. The bodies. He had seen the children, the elderly, the adults, they were only bodies now, only bodies ready to decompose.

And he was only twelve. _Only twelve years old._

_"But survival requires drastic measures"_

He closed his eyes and held his breath, he wanted to push back the image of Kodos, in his uniform as Governor, who spoke to his victims from the podium.

_"Your existence continues to be a threat to the well-being of the whole community"_

So?

 _So?_ he wondered _Why should I be killed? So? Why should anyone else be killed?_

_"For these reasons I have no alternative but to sentence you to death"_

To death.

He thought back to Son that he had fought that same morning, throwing himself against the soldier and that he had died in front of him, with wide eyes.

_So?_

_Shouldn't a life be worth the same way as another?_ _Why am I worth less? Why should I?_

But there were no answers.

He released a tremulous sigh as he continued to keep his eyes closed and his heart heavy.

"So?" he muttered in a broken voice.

So?

"I don't want to die. I don't want to die just because I was guilty of living. "

He didn't look around, he cried with his eyes closed, he cried in silence. He cried all the tears he had held so far.

He cried because it was dark, he cried because it was time.

He cried because he could no longer cry from then on. He should have fought, as Son had done. He should have fought or died.

 _Fight or die_.

"My life is worth as much as another's," he sighed.

"Your life is worth, J, as much as another's," a sigh answered.

And that was his only great comfort. Shin's voice.


	2. Ashamed of myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> J turned to look at him for a long time before bursting out laughing, his lips stretched out into a real, real smile and not the bitter grimaces he had learned to show for three weeks now. He laughed with tears in his eyes, laughed and wept.  
> Shin did not question his strange behavior, he did not speak of logic, he did not burrow in his mind. He closed his eyes and let himself be lulled by J's true, tragic, sad laughter.  
> He didn't ask for anything, because he knew. A corner of his lips bent up and in that strange, tragic moment, he allowed himself to smile without feeling ashamed for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the mistakes you will probably find. If you want to help me, you can contact me, I would really appreciate it. Hope you like the chapter. Tell me what you think of this job.  
> Thank you. Kisses.

_“I'll use you as a warning sign_

_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_

_And I'll use you as a focal point_

_So I don't lose sight of what I want_

_And I've moved further than I thought I could_

_But I missed you more than I thought I would”_

[ _I found – Amber Run_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj6V_a1-EUA)

**Ashamed of myself**

_2246.5.23_ _Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

Spock opened his eyes and noticed that it was almost dawn. The stars in the celestial vault began to thin out, covered by the light of day that would soon flood the sky.

He looked around and saw that J was lying beside him in the fetal position, he was sleeping soundly. Neither of them had slept that night, too confused and afraid to indulge in sleep.

Spock kept staring at the other guy and his flailed blonde hair, his trembling body, he wouldn't want to wake him up now that he had managed to really fall asleep, but there was no other choice.

He was afraid, he was not ashamed to admit it to himself. He had _been afraid,_ an emotion that had escaped his iron-mind control and had left him to grip him all night.

It was illogical to be afraid, it was illogical to let it take over.

But he couldn't help but _feeling_ the emotions.

He realized that it was the shame on himself and his fear that prevented him from revealing his real name to J, the name everyone used to call him. He had only briefly mentioned it, but had told J to call him Shin. He had been afraid and ashamed, and this Spock could not allow it, he was a disgrace to him and his father.

J moved, distracting him from his thoughts, and he looked at him as the other sat slowly, yawning.

"Good morning," mumbled the Earthling, "it's almost dawn, uh?"

"Indeed. We should head to the source of the stream, while we may look if we find food in the woods"

"Yeah" J got up and walked to the brook, rinsing his face and drinking. Spock, _no, Shin_ , emulated him, aware that they would have to sterilize the water before drinking it. However it was not possible to think of lighting a fire, the smoke would be seen and the guards would know where to look.

"Come on" said J.

The look in the Earthling's eyes was different that morning, far from the terrified gaze Shin had seen the day before. He did not know how to interpret that new expression that was completely alien to him.

"Shin, when do you think will the Fleet arrive? They should be on their way to Tarsus IV by now"

"It's a computation I'm not able to make. We do not know if they have received the Governor's communication, and we cannot know if they are aware of Kodos' decision to decimate the population"

Jim thought about it, his eyebrows frowned on in the concentration "So it would be possible they may never arrive?"

"Perhaps"

He was frustrated by the lack of information, by the inability to know how things would go from there on. But he couldn't help it.

He had been on Tarsus IV for a week, his parents had insisted that he was part of the Department of Interplanetary Education Program, especially his mother who hoped he could learn to relate to other species as well as the Vulcans.

He had to quell his emotions, he said, he had to keep his mental shields steady and think lucidly, he was a Vulcan and _had to behave as such_.

"Shin" J suddenly restrained his steps, a look in his eyes that Shin did not recognize seemed like a set of terror, frustration, and defeat. J was pointing to a tree not far away, most likely a Kuwat tree, a plant that flourished everywhere on the Planet. The Kuwat gave small and sweet fruits, similar to terrestrial grapes but sweeter and with a hard skin around the pulp.

Shin looked at the tree and its fruits and immediately understood the reason for J's gaze. The fruits were _burnt_ , totally wilted.

The two approached to observe better, it seemed that all the fruits had suffered the same fate. The peel completely rotten, as well as the pulp inside.

"The spores," he whispered, more to himself than to the other "have, of course, destroyed every resource on the planet. All the food, not just the one stocked by Starfleet"

J looked at him with grainy eyes, "So there's nothing? Can't we eat _anything?_ Is all the food just _finished?"_

Shin nodded.

All the food.

They had nothing to eat, everything had been destroyed.

J's intuition proved correct, the source of the stream was a waterfall that flowed from the highest rocks of the mountain, around it, sown by vegetation they managed to find a series of caves in the rock face.

"We will have water at will," J noted, but Shin would have liked to say that the water could most likely be poisoned by spores. He was supposed to monitor their condition within forty-eight hours.

The two entered a smaller cave, it was damp but well covered by the rest of the vegetation, looking around they noticed no traces of animals.

"Yesterday I clearly heard the verse of a Korl. So the animals weren't poisoned by spores, right?"

"Indeed. It had no effect on the biology of living beings on the planet," Shin confirmed.

"So we could hunt, right? Which animals are present on Tarsus IV?"

Shin suppressed a thrill and a sense of disgust. Vulcans did not eat meat, they did not kill animals and he could not feed on those beings.

Yet.

Yet he was hungry and all the food seemed to be lost.

"We should go back to the city" said, without answering the question of the other.

"What?"

"When we were taken away the institute's food supplies were not yet in a state of decomposition, it would be reasonable to think that the food stored or replicated undergo a slower decomposition process" he explained calmly.

"But... the city. It would be better to hunt, to stay here in the woods" J complained.

Shin looked down.

But he didn't want to hunt. He didn't want to kill and he didn't want to eat _living things._

"Why? Tell me, what's the real reason you want to go back to town?" the other's gaze was suspicious.

Shin did not want to tell him the truth and reveal his shame, his weakness. He didn't want to open himself up to a complete stranger.

Yet.

_Yet._

"I'm a Vulcan. We don't eat meat" he said softly.

J arched an eyebrow and for a moment, a fleeting moment, seemed to say something. Then he turned and walked out of the cave walking toward the waterfall.

"Then we'll go to town."

_2246.5.27 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

Shin watched the sun set behind the mountains, the sky stained with a bright red that faded into the pink of peaches. He had eaten them sometimes because they was the fruits that his mother liked the most.

He kept at bay the rumbling of his stomach seeking refuge in his mind, he had to calm the feeling of hunger with the controlled breathing exercises that his father had taught him.

However the logic, in the last days, seemed to falter and with it too he.

They had decided to go all the way to the city but had not yet found the courage to move from the refuge. This was a safe place, not yet beaten by the Tarsus IV security, although they could not be sure that they were safe they had decided to stay, although it would have been logical to keep moving, neither had enough energy to move regularly and did not want to get away from the water source.

Tarsus IV was a hot planet, not as a Vulcan, but temperatures were very high and even if the water was not rare, it was a resource that could not go to waste. Of streams like the one next to which they had stopped there were only five of them all over the planet and they supplied the colony with the essentials to be able to hydrate by drinking.

The water of the streams was collected in the tanks of the colony and distributed to all the settlers. Water and food control provided the Government of absolute power.

Fortunately, even though luck wasn't really a direct cause, the water had not been poisoned by the spores of the exotic fungus and they could at least resort to that last resort.

But the food.

An adult Vulcan, in full force could withstand five points six months without eating and continuing to hydrate regularly, an adult Earthling in full force could withstand two point two months. However Shin was not an adult Vulcan at full strength, he was only half Vulcan and was not as strong as the average of his peers. It would have lasted about three points one months, but also less, considering the physical and psychological conditions in which they were.

However, J, despite trying to show himself strong in his eyes, knew he couldn't hold out for more than a month.

They had to eat.

Shin, no, _Spock, your name is Spock,_ he thought, he didn't think hunger could have such disastrous effects on his mental discipline. It had been four days since he had eaten for the last time, yet fatigue and hunger were destabilizing him. And it would have been even worse if they hadn't found a remedy.

"Shin, hey" approached J as he rubbed his eyes with his palms, he had rested all day because it was hard for both of them to sleep at night "I think tonight we should go down to the city"

Shin nodded, he thought so, too.

"Yes, at night it will be easier to go unnoticed. I assume they've set up checkpoints and teams are patrolling the perimeter of the city as well as the second and third ring in the woods. During the night we should, with due care, have the fifty-six point thirty-nine percent of possibility more likely than the day"

J snorted a laugh, "You know, you might be more concise about saying things."

Shin did not answer, he merely raised an eyebrow, an involuntary reflection of his body, as was often the case in the last few days.

"What if they catch us instead?" J sat down next to him, "What would become of us?"

"It would be logical to think that we would be executed as the Governor said the day of the sentence"

They remained silent for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Each to contemplate the risks they would take by descending into the city, returning to the wolf's lair for their own necessary survival.

"I don't want to die. I'm scared" J whispered, after a while, "I don't want to die Shin."

_I don't want to die_.

The fear of the Earthling was so clear, so obvious, in front of the eyes of the Vulcan. The expression in the blond boy's eyes was again that of five days earlier, in that square, surrounded by screams and gunshots and bodies.

What about him? What did he want?

Death was an inevitable stage of life itself, a final stage to be reached with the mathematical certainty that had created the entire universe and life itself. Death was a logical goal in the path of existence from its initial stage to the final stage, in the transformation of matter.

Yet he was a living being, a sentient being, and had emotions although controlled by the dictates of the logical-mental discipline. He was alive.

_Alive_.

What did he want?

_What do you want, Spock?_

"I'm afraid to die too"

Illogical.

J leaned against the wall as he tried to hold his breath, which occasionally spilled out in the form of a flickering sigh.

Shin instead leaned slightly over the edge to take a quick look at the villa and its surroundings. The image in front of him was that of a house most likely uninhabited, the windows were open and all the lights were off, also no sound was heard coming from inside.

From his location he could not see the front door, but it was logical to think that the villa was uninhabited probably because its tenants had to be among the condemned of Kodos.

The villa was modest, a single floor, a few windows and the roof not yet complete, to complete the picture stood a small garden on the east side of the structure, but the small green corner was not cared for for a long time, judging by the grass that grew high.

"We're going to have to climb over and flatten to the ground" he explained to J, returning to the same height as the other "We'll crawl three points seven meters and get to the north face of the building. We're going in through the open window. We're going to have to do everything in two minutes" he said.

J took a deep breath and nodded, "Okay, I'm going to climb over first, then you're going to follow me. They don't have to see us."

The blonde clung to the wall, putting his hands in the cracks between the bricks and gave his feet momentum to start climbing. J moved fast and silent, despite the physical exhaustion and bland energies he possessed after days of fasting.

The wall was not very high, they would not have difficulty, the difficult part was when they would be on top as they would be exposed to potential guards scouring the city.

When the other jumped off the wall, landing on the other side with a dull thud, Shin began to climb.

The cracks of the wall were sharp and his hands were too sensitive, he was a Vulcan and his fingertips were directly connected to his mental synapses that regulated his telepathic abilities. However he could not stop now, they risked too much to be there and had to look for food.

When he landed, he also watered himself to the ground and followed J into the tall grass, toward the wall of the house.

They managed to get to the open window and hoist themselves into the deserted house, they landed in a dark space, partially illuminated only by the outside lights of the city. They looked around and realized they were in what must have been a child's lodging, the room was bare with only a few furniture against the walls and a few stuffed toys thrown in bulk on the floor. In the middle of the room was placed a crib, the two boys looked at each other before heading to the center of the room.

The first to look over the edge of the cradle was J who stretched his eyes and put his hands to his mouth emitting a guttural sound, perhaps to hold a scream. Shin looked at him strangely and then looked in the cradle too. The vision that greeted him was that of a newborn with a crushed nose, a hairy, wrinkled face, small and stocky. He was a Baby Tellarite, clearly in a state of decomposition. The burnt hole in the middle of his chest showed that he had been shot with a sonic rifle.

J clung to his arm, looking at him with damp eyes and short breath. Shin could sense the earthly's despondency and sadness, but he realized he didn't know what to say about it. Although he tried to quell his emotions, he realized that he was not indifferent to what he had seen and thought that perhaps, some of the emotions he could perceive from contact with J, were also his.

Shin focused on strengthening his mental shields and repressing his emotions as they struggled wildly to awaken and slowly devour him. He couldn't let go, it was said, he was a Vulcan and had to keep his mental discipline high.

But that was a _newborn_ and he had been murdered for no fault, other than that of being _born_ on Tarsus IV. His logic faltered with him but he stepped up as J gathered and took him by the hand trying to lead him to another room. The contact with J's hands was strange, for him that he had never shaken the hand of others except that of his mother, he could not call it an uneasiness. There was something in that simple touch that helped him find stability and strengthen his mental discipline, that simple exchange of skin was like a center of gravity that kept him standing and preventing him from collapsing on himself.

They walked down a short corridor until they reached the kitchen of the villa, J looked at him with his eyes still damp and whispered "Let's take everything we can and then we get out of here"

They began searching the pantries, among the drawers, everywhere, most of the food had been poisoned by spores, however Shin managed to find a jar of peaches still in good condition.

He turned to J as he tried to trade with the food replicator, however all the food that was being replicated was burnt down within seconds. Shin nodded by confirming the theories that had accompanied him for a long time in the nights after the conviction: the replicated food was not immune to the spores of the fungus, it seemed that he was most influenced by it. While wanting to replicate all possible food the colony would not have been saved, Governor Kodos must have considered this hypothesis before issuing the judgment.

"J" muttered Shin showing him the jar of peaches.

The Earthling picked him up and looked at him with sad eyes before giving him back "eat them, Shin. They're yours," he told him.

Shin shook his head "they are _ours"_ ”

J let slip an embittered smile "I'm mortally allergic to peaches, I'd die the second after swallowing them"

Shin breathed deeply as a sense of emptiness spread to the center of his torso, he tried to ignore it but failed. Maybe it was emotions, maybe it was sadness for that wrong moment.

If he had experienced emotions, most likely Shin, _Spock,_ would have felt sadness, anger, despair. If he had experienced emotions then he would not have eaten those peaches, but would have left them there to rot because of the spores because it was unthinkable to eat something so sweet, with such a bitter guilt.

But he was hungry, _he was hungry,_ and it was logical, _logical logical,_ to eat those peaches.

He opened the jar and gave J's back, dipped his hand in syrup without thinking, without considering that _Vulcans do not eat with their hands,_ and took two slices of peach, throwing them in his mouth, angrily, contemptuously, sadness.

If only he'd felt emotions.

_But he didn't_.

They entered another house not far from the first but even in this food had been completely destroyed by spores. Shin felt better, perhaps satiated, perhaps emptier, but better than when he had arrived in town.

But J hadn't eaten anything yet, the only food they had found had been peaches and he couldn't touch them.

The two checked for the house, it was a two-story building a small but well-maintained house, no baby room just a bedroom and perhaps one for guests. The two checked everywhere, but there was no shade of food.

J sighed lowering his head and Shin approached him with a hand on his shoulder, he didn't know why but he didn't ask. It was right, it was time.

A sound from the outside alerted them and the two ran upstairs trying to make as little noise as possible, slipped into the bedroom and locked themselves in a closet. They held their breath and heard other noises coming from the outside, they seemed to get closer and the closer they got, the more they took the form of the words "- this way"

Someone was going up the stairs, someone was coming up and they would find them and kill them there as they had done in the square, as they had done to that newborn.

They would have killed them there in that closet.

J clenched himself to him and placed his head on the palms of his hands, Shin closed his eyes and sought refuge in his mind.

"It seemed to me that it came this way, let's take a look" the voice that had spoken was of a man.

In the closet was dark, the air was asphyxiating and fear was a rope pressing around the throat.

"I don't see anyone, maybe it'll have been out"

"No, it came from here, they're going to be those damn fucking fugitives. They will be hungry"

The steps approached the closet and became confused with the sound of the beatings of their hearts.

They were noisy, _they_ were _obvious_. Who could have not heard them?

They seemed to scream _"we're here! Come and get us"_.

"Let's see here"

And Shin clasped his eyelids tightly. It should not be afraid, _fear kills the mind, fear kills the mind, fear kills –_

_"Keow"_

Shin opened his eyes.

" _Keow"_

"Here's your fugitive! A fucking Freok" yelled someone.

"What?"

"Here it is! It was a Freok making noise"

They heard the rifle firing, the sound of the laser penetrating the flesh, and then the steps went away.

The two boys began to breathe again, slowly, with fear and resignation, but they breathed.

They were _alive_.

J was the first to go out and head towards the door, next to it the lifeless body of a Freok, too similar to a terrestrial cat but with a head without ears and without a tail.

Shin looked at J and was looked at, the resolve painted on his face.

"No"

_No._

"Yes"

Shin flushed his mouth into the stream, turned it back, sloppy it again.

That taste wasn’t going away.

The blood wasn't going away.

It was too much.

_Mother, father, forgive me._

_Vulcan, forgive me_.

It was illogical to apologize, it was illogical to feel revulsion, disgust, sadness for itself.

It was illogical to refuse sustenance when there was _hunger_.

But he ate that fresh, hard, bloody meat. And he had felt pleasure.

Pleasure.

_Forgive me._

_Forgive me._

"Forgive me"

That night the cave was quieter and emptier than ever. The forest was a nightmare shrouded in shadows and darkness and in the mouth the taste of blood was alive, nauseating, real.

That night they wouldn't sleep, they wouldn't dream, they wouldn't have hoped.

That night they wouldn't cry.

J approached him and lay down next to him, put his hand on his shoulder, and looked at him with an empty expression, "I’m sorry, Shin. Sorry," he whispered in the silence, with such delicacy that he did not break it, "I wish I could do more, I would like to do better. Sorry"

Shin shook his head and looked at him in those blue eyes that even in the dark seemed too clear, too big, too dull.

They could not have done anything else, it was bigger than them, stronger than them. They couldn't have done anything.

"Tomorrow we will be back in the city," he said simply.

J nodded and crouched down to him.

"Tomorrow will be better, won't it?"

And Shin shouldn't have answered, because he was a Vulcan and _the Vulcans don't lie_.

"Yes, tomorrow will be better."

_2246.5.30 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

"Don't scream!" J whispered with clenched teeth the command "Don't scream, I said! We don't want to do anything to you."

The child continued to moan despite the mouth occluded by the hand of the Earthling.

Shin looked at J, the concern painted in the other's blue eyes, the frightened child in his arms. He was a terrestrial child and must have been about nine years old.

"We can't take him with us" he muttered.

No, they couldn't. Because he was just a child, he was unmanageable and it was another mouth, another hunger, another frustration. They couldn't.

The child stopped fidgeting and stood staring at him with large dark eyes filled with tears.

"I'm not going to leave him here," J replied, "I'm not going to abandon him. He will die if we leave him"

Yes. He would have died and maybe it would have been better.

_Would you like to be dead, Spock?_

"However-"

"None however! He's just a kid and we're not going to leave him here!"

Shin repressed a sigh, sometimes J was all too resolute, counter-fight would lead to nothing, he was determined to keep that child, the discussion was over.

"I'm going to look for food," Shin cut short, trying to avoid the sense of annoyance and irritation that grew inside him. It was illogical to feel those feelings as he had no emotions, he _sedated_ them. How hunger, thirst, fear, terror, disgust sedated. He didn't feel anything, he covered with logic and mind.

And yet he's been unable to sedate for a while.

_Would you like to be dead, Spock?_

A Vulcan who was confused by his own emotions was a disgrace to his species and his father.

_"You are the son of two worlds, Spock,"_ Sarek had told him only a few months earlier, now it seemed that centuries had passed.

Son of two worlds and belonging to none of these.

Too Vulcan for Earth and too Earthly for Vulcan.

_"Shin, now you're Shin and you're on Tarsus IV,"_ he said, because that's what mattered. That was the truth and he had no room for doubt about his nature. Now there was only hunger, J and the escape. Now there was only Tarsus IV, a whole Planet fighting against them.

He began to search for food in kitchen cupboards, in a bag he found five nuts that had not been burned by spores to see the healthy skin. Five nuts were all they had.

He opened a drawer and found a set of kitchen knives there, took two and took them upstairs.

They had to go hunting.

J was sitting next to him, his back resting on the cave wall, the only sound around them was the disleancing of the waterfall water. It was now the first light of dawn and they had returned by only an hour.

They had split the nuts between Shin and Kevin, the child they had found, J had not eaten anything since he was also allergic _to nuts too_.

The two did not speak, but remained close, the other's presence alone was like a comforting, safe lullaby. They had no one left, just themselves.

"I know what you think, that it was a mistake to take him with us. But I couldn't leave him, you know? I couldn't leave him there" said the Earthling, looking at the wall in front of him.

"You didn't eat, your physical strength is now reduced to thirteen point seven percent" Shin said, not having to do with the speech, or maybe yes, he didn't know. But he didn't know what else to say, it was frustrating.

"Tell me about Vulcan, Shin. What do you eat there?"

The Vulcan closed his eyes, he did not want to think about his house, he did not want to think about food, he did not want to think about his mother and father, I-Chaya, his Sehlat, he did not want to think.

But J needed it, and maybe he needed it, too.

"Ploomek soup" began Shin "the Ploomek is a tuber and it is cooked together with the main pulses of Vulcan. There is the green variant by adding the nodes of sh'rr or the orange one where the Ploomek is cooked along with the radical bulges of the Kasa" he recalled the last time he ate the Ploomek soup, he recalled the flavor on the tongue, the dense sauce that descended into his throat, the almost sweet taste of the tuber. He wanted to cry, he wanted to laugh, he wanted to go home.

"I'd like a Hamburger, full of barbecue sauce and onions, I'd give an arm to eat one right now," sighed J.

"I'd like to drink spicy tea instead," Shin agreed.

J turned to look at him for a long time before bursting out laughing, his lips stretched out into a real, real smile and not the bitter grimaces he had learned to show for three weeks now. He laughed with tears in his eyes, laughed and wept.

Shin did not question his strange behavior, he did not speak of logic, he did not burrow in his mind. He closed his eyes and let himself be lulled by J's true, tragic, sad laughter.

He didn't ask for anything, because _he knew._ A corner of his lips bent up and in that strange, tragic moment, he allowed himself to smile without feeling ashamed of himself.

_2246.6.10_ _Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

"Please, Shin, _please, I_ can go there!"

Shin watched him resolutely for not intending to yield to the other's pleas.

"Kevin doesn't trust me, he'd follow you and he put you both in danger. It makes sense that you stay with him and I will go"

"To _hell with logic!_ I can't let that happen if... If anything happened to you, I-" J passed a hand over his face, resigned, frustrated, hungry.

"Nothing will happen to me. I'll be back before dawn," Shin cut short, carrying the knife to his waistband, both of them had recovered a few useful items from the houses they had been in. Mostly knives to use as weapons and bags to hang on the belt and to be filled in case they found food.

When did he learn to promise? Vulcans promised nothing and did not affirm without being sure of their words.

Yet on Tarsus IV there was no certainty of anything, not even being alive. They were skeletons without more passion, they were bodies moved by hunger, need and desire.

Yet he wanted to promise and wanted to do it for J who had not eaten for too long.

When he got so close to that kid? Why did he consider him a focal point?

"You know too that there is no certainty! We'll go together, Kevin will be good here, I'll make him promise."

"No. The debate is closed at this time. I'm going alone and you're going to stay here with Kevin."

He walked wearily to the fence that surrounded the city. Evidently he and J were not the only fugitives on the planet, so security guards had erected an electric fence around the colony to prevent further night raids. For two nights he and J had been looking for a breach, the first night they had left empty-handed, while only at the end of the second night they had managed to find a flaw in the protection system.

Most likely others had found it too, but it wasn't important as long as they could push for food.

They had tried to hunt in the woods but the game was scarce and both were bad hunters, the abandoned houses had now been searched all by the other fugitives. It was now almost completely finished the food they could find. It was clear to Shin that it was time to steal it from those who still had it. However, the thought of people living quietly in the colony and feeding irritated him more and more. He couldn't explain how they had stored that food, why hadn't it been destroyed along with the rest? It was an equation he couldn't solve and that destroyed him. If only he understood maybe he could have saved all three of them.

He cautiously advanced towards the food stock store, he must surely be guarded and he knew he had to find a way to evade security and enter.

His thoughts were confirmed by the presence of three armed guards who stood in front of the main entrance. He had never visited the warehouse, he didn't even know what to expect inside the building. If there were other guards inside, they'd take him and he'd leave J alone. But it had to try, it was a matter of life or death.

_Life or death, Spock._

He circled the area, sheltering behind the containment wall, tried to advance to the back to make sure there was a chance to enter.

And there it was.

Right at the top, on the roof, there was a closed window.

The window was ten point sixty feet high, he should have climbed. It was a risk, he knew it well, but he couldn't do otherwise.

_Life or death._

_Life_

_death._

He approached the building cautiously and decided to use the eaves to climb, he was light after all those days gone by without eating and would not make excessive noise. He started climbing up and thinking about J's eyes when he would came back with the food.

Shin didn't really believe what had happened. He clutched the jute sack behind his back, he was full of food, he had succeeded in his intent!

Despite everything, he was disappointed that the food could not be stored outside the warehouse, and the scientists working for Kodos realized that a compression chamber, acting on food molecules to shake and excite them continuously, would prevent spores from sticking to it by burning it completely. It had been a logical and efficient intuition, but it had not prevented the death of the other half of the settlers.

But now it didn't matter because he had food for himself, J and Kevin. They should have consumed it quickly, but it was already a result. A starting point.

He continued to climb the mountain, he was weak and noticed that his breathing was getting heavier and heavier step by step, he was fatigued and without strength but he felt good for the first time in weeks.

He passed the fallen trunk that they now used as a reference point to reach the cave, he was following the creek and in two points three hours he would be at the cave.

"Where do you go son of a bitch? That food _is ours!_ " growled a voice behind him.

He didn't have time to turn around as a punch collided with his face and he fell off his shoulders landing on the sack behind his back.

The impact confused him but he tried to quickly get back on his feet.

"Bastard! Come here!" someone pulled him by the hair and this gave him the impulse to scream, but he couldn't do it because the breath had stuck in his lungs.

"Ah you're a Vulcan scum. We thought we had killed them all," laughed the man holding him by the hair.

Shin looked at him trying to remain impassive, normally he could wrestle with him, he knew fifty-two different styles of combat, and his strength amounted to an adult Earthman. In optimal conditions. But he hadn't eaten a protein meal in almost a month and was exhausted by that night's effort, he could never struggle.

Another figure came up to them laughing "Look at those eyes, and some say they don't feel anything. He's terrified" a young woman, with long black hair and a contemptuous smile, spoke.

"Come on, kill him and let's get the food back" the woman cut short.

"No, why don't you take us to your little friends instead? Surely you have accomplices, for whom would you take all that food, knowing full well that it would slow you down?"

It was true, the man had impressive deductive abilities. Perhaps were just his abilities that were completely plunged into absolute inefficiency due to lack of food.

"Then? Are your friends near? Why don't you let us know them?" the man sneered.

Shin moved his free arm towards the knife hanging from his belt, he had to hurry, he had to be as fast as the light.

"I had... I was hungry," he said, as he moved his arm toward the belt.

He had learned to lie just fine.

_The Vulcans know how to lie and also well._

His arm was blocked by the woman, "What are you going to do, you bastard? Do you really think we'd let you get that knife?"

The man pushed him to the ground and took the knife from his waistband.

"Let's go Zrog, it's useless to waste time with this scum. Let's kill it and bring the food back”

The man named Zrog smiled maliciously and took the sack off his back.

"Where do the Vulcans have the heart? Where we have the guts, right? Well, I'd really like to stab you right in the middle."

The guard threw the sack at his colleague, "Bring him back, I think I'm going to stay here a little bit to have fun with this nice Vulcan face."

The woman rolled her eyes to the sky "Fuck, you're sick" and walked with the sack on her shoulders.

Shin saw the food, _their_ food to come away, he wanted to cry for disappointment, for anger, for sadness. It was the food he would eat if only he had been more attentive, more cautious, faster. And instead he was weak, just as his mind was weak. He wasn't even a Vulcan anymore.

"So, let's start using this magic knife of yours" laughed Zrog.

Shin let go of a half-sigh, might as well accept death. He had done everything he could to stay alive and had protected J and Kevin. He thought that it had been fortunate that the two guards had found him away from their encampment.

Lucky.

He saw the man open his hand and the knife lowered towards his fingertips.

_No,_ he thought terrified.

"Vulcans have very sensitive fingertips, don't they? They're tied to your telepathy," Zrog laughed as the knife blade penetrated the center of the palm and descended toward the index finger.

Shin screamed, he couldn't hold back his scream of pain, his head began to hurt and burn as if a fire had broken out there. And he couldn't turn it off, _he couldn't turn it off_.

Zrog carved another fingertip, Shin continued to scream.

_Kill me, kill me_.

He wept, he screamed, he wept again and again and again.

It was like dying and being reborn to die again.

His head was an incandescent slime of _pain_.

He only heard the man's laughter, his smug sigh, his vision blurred and he hoped that he was passing out because at least he would not feel pain.

In the confusion of the moment he managed to notice the man who was undoing the belt of his trousers and smiling maliciously at him.

_Kill me._

Shin closed his eyes but the pain in his head was so strong, so strong, he felt hot, he felt like he was burning completely. He screamed again while the man cut another finger and opened his legs.

He didn't know if his tunic had been unfastened, he didn't know what the other was doing. He felt he was dying and that pain, that pain was killing him.

He heard a vague noise in the distance, breathed heavily, cried again and perhaps passed out. Maybe not.

He seemed to see J, it seemed to him that Zrog's weight was no longer on his body.

_Kill me, kill me_.

Wept.

Fainted.

He could not see J's gaze as he clutched the bloody knife in his own hands, he could not see him in the dark, a small, hungry boy who had _killed a man to save Shin._

He saw nothing, he heard nothing. For a moment he didn't even feel hungry.

_Just pain, just fire, just dark._

_Kill me._


	3. The Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Earthling nodded and threw the other with his arms, touched a solid body, too thin, and with too many exposed bones. Yet he was solid and alive. And even though they were just fugitives on a cursed planet, that little moment of peace belonged only to them and they were living it intensely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time it was more difficult to translate from Italian, so you may find many mistakes. If so, I apologize, if you want to report the errors you'll find I would appreciate so that I can correct the text. I thank you for the Kudos and for your attention, I hope you like it. Kisses <3

_“Vows are spoken to be broken_

_Feelings are intense words are trivial_

_Pleasures remain so does the pain_

_Words are meaningless_

_And forgettable”_

[ _Enjoy the silence – Joseph William Morgan_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSQDqpGBuvw)

**The Promise**

_2246.6.15 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

Jim laid his forehead against the wall and closed his eyes, he was exhausted, he had been unable to sleep for days and Kevin was crying hungry.

He did not know what to do, he was confused and _alone._ Shin had been a constant up to that point, the only one who kept him lucid enough to fight and gave them courage, with Shin by his side, Jim had hoped that things could get better and even if they had been mere illusions he had believed it.

And now? Shin was lying in endless unconsciousness, it had been days that the Vulcan did not move and wake up. That damned night – in which Jim had killed a man to save his friend – he had brought him back to the cave, he had toiled that sore body, his friend had screamed all the time, sometimes he had tried to wriggle out of his grip. By the time they had arrived at their camp, however, the other had closed his eyes and collapsed into a sleep from which he had not yet woken up.

Jim had tried to medicate his hand wounds, but he couldn't do much but tear off one of their bags and with the cloth create a near-cut bandage. Now he did not know what to do, he felt totally helpless.

Worthless.

_"No matter what you want. You're nobody,"_ Frank told him the day he decided to throw that stupid Corvette down the ravine, the day his brother Sam left. And maybe it was true, he was nobody, it didn't help and he didn't care what he wanted.

Yet... yet Shin had to wake up, he could not abandon him now, not after what they had passed to get there.

"J?" called Kevin, Jim approached the child and sat next to him, hugging him. He knew that the little boy was hungry and that the hunger was devouring him from the inside, but he could not do anything, he could not go out to look for food after what he had done, he could not leave Shin in that state of unconsciousness and Kevin totally alone. He was just a kid.

What if he never came back? What would become of the two of them?

Yet he could not stay there.

Days had passed since he had killed that man, most likely his body had already been found and the military had already set out on the trail of those who had murdered him. He wondered what would happen if their search had led them to the cave.

"J would you tell me a story?" asked Kevin, his big hazel eyes filled with sadness and fear. He would do anything to protect him, he said, but at the same time he felt he could do nothing.

It was useless.

_Worthless_.

Just like Frank said.

“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.”" he began to tell and hoped to be as one of his heroes, as one of the characters of those novels that he loved so much : fearless, kind and valiant.

_2246.6.18 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

"Kevin I need you to do something _very_ important to me. Will you do that?" asked Jim as little Kevin looked at him in terror.

"Tell me you will," he continued insistently.

"What? Please don't leave. I'm afraid of the dark," the little boy complained.

Jim passed a hand on his tired face "I have to go down to town to look for food, you are the only one who can stay here and watch over Shin"

Kevin looked at the Vulcan lying on the ground, his chest rising and lowering at the regular pace of breath.

"I want to go with you, J, please"

Jim shook his head" "No, I can't take you. You have a very important task, you have to check Shin and if he wakes up you have to say where I went and that he doesn't have to worry because I'll be back very soon"

The child seemed to think about it before nodding weakly and blaming an unconvinced "okay."

Jim approached Shin's lying body and knelt next to him, the Vulcan was relaxed in his continuous sleep, maybe he was in a coma, maybe he could no longer feel hungry, maybe he was dead. But Jim didn't want to think he was dead, he just wanted to hope to keep him with him again and to be able to talk to him as soon as possible. He was his only friend, his staple and he couldn't think of losing him.

"Please try to wake you up. Wherever you are try to return, I will stay away for a short time, but please do not die," he whispered in his sharp ear before leaving a kiss on his forehead and getting up.

He had to go back to town.

It had been a long time since he had last been in town and he didn't know what to expect. Shin couldn't tell him anything about his last expedition, he only knew that someone had followed him and tried to kill him.

He was reminded of the images of the night Shin was attacked, the laughter of the military as he tortured his friend, the desperate screams, the groans and him approaching silently, pulled the knife from his belt and, gathering all the strength in his body, sank the blade into the soft and exposed neck of the guard.

The knife had found no resistance, the flesh had opened under the metal and the blood had begun to zap from the throat like a goo-by rattle darker than the night. As he stared at the gush of blood his hands had begun to shake and he had vaguely realized the stained knife clenched in his fist. For a moment he had stuck without knowing what to do, he had watched the man slump to the ground and he had remained still and confused. He killed a man. _He had killed._

He shook his head to try to remove those images from his mind as if that gesture could be enough to erase them, in his heart he would never forget them. He was now a murderer and this sin would never be forgiven.

Approaching the city, he saw lights in the distance and voices rumbling in the air, as if they were amplified. There were other sounds, other noises, and it seemed like the whole colony was awake.

He trembled at the mere thought of having to go back and return to the cave empty-handed.

"-the food has been delivered to the remaining settlers of Tarsus IV, whoever attempts to steal it will be executed publicly in Central Square. To you fugitives, scattered in the mountains, we know that you are there but we have not followed you because it will be hunger to kill you or to bring you out into the open. I'm here, _I'll wait for you_."

It was Governor Kodos's voice, and the lights he had seen just before were the countless holographic reproductions of his speech.

_I'm waiting for you_.

If only he could approach Kodos, he thought by touching the knife hanging from his belt, then perhaps he would not hesitate to kill him. Just a few days earlier, he had killed that man without thinking twice.

_It was different, you were protecting Shin_.

Could he have killed in cold blood?

Maybe yes, maybe not. He no longer recognized himself.

According to the recorded message, all supplies had been distributed to the settlers, so he would have to infiltrate an inhabited house – and most likely guarded – in order to find food.

He stepped up and decided to keep walking, he didn't have much choice and he had to eat.

Hunger was a perennial pain, a constant presence that squeezed his body into a cold grip and slowly devoured him from the inside. He could no longer resist and neither could the others. He had to try.

He entered the alleys of the colony that led to the heart of the city, the large ornate villas hinted that they were inhabited by important people, certainly there he would find _the valuable members of the community._

He walked stealthily through the streets, the light-lit villas were protected by security teams, it was impossible to approach or think of entering. The area was fully guarded and it was a risk even just being there. He had to think about something else, get an idea. He had to fight or die.

He continued to walk to look for any place where he could slip in, but before he could continue and cross the road he was attracted by a hasty hiss. He watered even more against the wall as he looked around in fear that the military would show up at any moment. He was paralyzed with fear.

Seconds later he heard a whisper and then another and another, it seemed that someone was talking, he realized that the sounds came from the corner to his left and he was undecided whether to continue or run away from there as far as possible. It was said that they certainly could not be guards or they would not whisper, which could make those people fugitives like him, _hungry_ like him. What if they attacked him?

He felt the fear increase in his chest but realized that he was at a crossroads and the only other choice, besides the obvious, was to go back empty-handed.

He took courage and continued to walk following the whispers.

"You're a donkey's head! How are you going to get in?"

Now the voices were distinguishable and the voice that had spoken was at a minimum distance, as soon as they turned the corner they would see it.

He decided to remain hidden and to anticipate his presence, he took courage and breathed deeply before whispering as much emphasis as possible "Hey"

The voices quieted and for a few seconds no one answered.

What if it was guards who were set a trap for him?

"Hey, my name is J, you... who are you?"

He prayed with all of himself that he had not made a mistake and that he had not signed his own death sentence with his own hands.

"Are you a fugitive?" a girl's voice told him shortly afterwards, or at least it seemed, in those whispers he could not distinguish even his own tone of voice.

“Y-yes”

He heard an indistinct murmur, then the sound of footsteps. They had decided to come out into the open and he was alone, with a knife as a weapon and without strength.

He spasmodically clenched the knife and held him still in front of him, but in the shadows produced by the street lights he could see a figure slightly lower than him, slender and with thick curly hair. She was a girl.

"Put that thing down, K'rut," hissed the other, agitated.

Jim noticed that behind the figure appeared three other people, also young, most likely to be the same age.

He slowly lowered - still insecure - the knife.

"I... I'm J. Are you alone?" he asked, trying to keep the flicker in his voice, he didn't want to look scared.

"Yes," the girl said, "we are alone. My name is Julia, they are Tom and Solok."”

Solok.

_Solok_.

"You... you are a Vulcan! You were at the institute, you were assigned to my class"

The Vulcan came forward, partially illuminated by artificial light Jim saw that he was completely different after almost a month spent in hunger and flight. He was thin and pale, had longer and messy hair, worn clothes. The other guys weren't in a better situation.

He thought that he, Shin and Kevin did not look better, but at least they were clean thanks to the proximity to the stream.

"There are three other guys waiting for us in the mountains. If you're alone, you can join us," the Vulcan replied, without really answering his question. Or he had simply affirmed something _obvious._

"I am not alone, I have friends waiting for me, we are camped in a cave in the mountains, we... I went down to look for food. My... ah, friend, Shin, he's Vulcan, he's been hurt and he's very sick. I think he went into a coma or something."

Julia came forward, "J, right? I'm sorry about your friend. Unfortunately here there is no way to recover food, we have made the rounds around the whole neighborhood and the villas are... _impenetrable_ "

Jim sighed heartbroken, he had imagined how difficult it would be but did not believe it was impossible. Yet he was not alone, now there were others with him and perhaps, perhaps he could have thought of something.

"Listen, do you want to get food or not? Let's make a deal: I help you and you help me and my friends" Jim began to talk, gesticulating animatedly "there is a house a few meters from here, I passed there just now, it is the outermost and the closest to the hole in the electric fence. We know about the breach in the fence it will be easy to get out quickly. If one of us distracts the guards and runs away as fast as possible, the others could use the distraction to get in, plunder and run," he explained animatedly.

"However, the scapegoat would be chased not only by the guards assigned to the villa, but also by those patrolling the streets," Solok intruded.

Jim nodded, "I know, but it's a risk you have to take. Solok it makes _sense_ to try to come back with food or die trying"

"I find your logic fallacious"

"But it's a good plan," Tom intruded with a sly smile, "if only we could trust you"

Jim grunted with displeasure "Still don't trust me? Look, I've got guys waiting for me, one in a coma, and the other is nine years old. I really need to bring them food."

"So like us," Tom replied.

"Then believe me! I'm going to be a bait, I'm going to be followed and we're going to meet in the mountains. Coming out of the breach go west, walk exactly two point six kilometers you will find a fallen trunk, there I will wait for you"

The boys looked at each other, without speaking, Julia nodded – she must have been the leader of the group – and returned to turn to him.

"All right, J, deal done. We will meet at the trunk. Let's move now."

During his first year in middle school, on Earth, Jim had not had much interest in sports, he liked the obstacle course and physical wrestling sports but had never taken part in a real team. He had often spent his free time reading, studying, looking at the sky and the stars.

Most often he had fantasized about his father and the man he had been, aboard a spaceship, with his mother by his side as they traveled on new and unknown adventures.

He had never been attracted to sports even though he was physically fit and could have excelled if only he had put enough effort into it.

Yet now that the adrenaline was flowing through his veins, pumping his heart twice as fast, now that his legs were moving fast and his feet seemed not to touch the ground, now that he was running away from certain _death,_ well, now sports had never seemed more useful to him.

He ran, Jim, as he had run on the day of the sentencing, ran to save himself; if the boys had been successful then he would bring food to Kevin and Shin. Then he would do something good.

One of the lasers pierced his arm, but he did not stop, managed to throw himself under the breach of the power grid and to get up quickly to head for the mountains.

The pain in his arm began to pulsate but he did not even take a look, he kept running, instead, because he had to go back, he had to go _home_.

He came to the trunk and hid behind it. If the boys had been successful, then they would have been there about an hour after his arrival. He hoped he wasn't wrong about them and that they wouldn't decide to betray him.

His survival depended on the trust he had placed in those three strangers, and even though he was not good at trusting – Shin was an exception – he wanted to hope for it with all of himself.

After almost an hour and thirty minutes Jim noticed figures approaching the meeting point. They were three figures and they didn't look like adults. He felt a light heart and almost wept.

_Almost_ , he thought, wiping a tear.

The four boys walked long in the direction of the cave where Shin and Kevin had remained. They would continue together for two points eight kilometers, after which Julia and Tom would go to pick up the other kids who had stayed at their shelter, while Solok and Jim – along with the food they had recovered – would continue to the source of the river and wait for them at the cave.

Although they considered that being together could be a dangerous choice, because if one of them had been captured and tortured he could endanger everyone else, but they had decreed that a large team was also a stronger team. It was worth taking the risk. Jim led the small group in the silence of the night interrupted only by their breaths and the steps that fell on the undergrowth. In his mind he kept thinking about Shin and how to bring him back, wherever he was and whatever was happening to his body.

"It is a state of mind-induced trance, the Vulcans enter a state of calm mental state capable of healing their mortal wounds. However, considering his _disadvantage,_ he has little hope of getting out of the state where his mind has holed up" Solok explained as he watched Shin closely.

Jim shook his head, he was too confused to grasp all the Vulcan's words, but he ventured to ask, "Could you cure him? Could you bring him back?"

The other looked at him for a long time, with an inscrutable look, before answering "I am physically and mentally weak, it would be better to avoid intervention"

"Please, Solok, please. Bring him back if... if you don't try, he may never wake up. I... I _need him._ ”

He was almost ashamed of his own words, but he couldn't help but pray, ask that the other bring Shin back. He was his only friend, his constant, his focal point. Without him he felt alone and would not have moved on. He would never make it.

"Why do you worry so much about a Vulcan? Your emphasis is peculiar"

He could not force Solok to understand and accept his despair but he had to insist, he had to make him understand that Shin was important to him.

"He... He's my friend. He saved my life several times and... I really need him to be by my side," he said, looking down.

Solok moved next to Shin, kneeling, bent over the young man's face, and carried four fingers in different places on his face, "Very well, J, I'll try to bring him back."

Several hours had passed since Solok had rested his hands on Shin's face, Jim could not define them accurately, however these had flown when Julia and Tom appeared in the cave along with three rather frightened little boys, they were very small – probably the same age as Kevin – and none of the three had said a word yet. Julia had told him their names: John, Shran and Anton. Shran was Andorian and looked the smallest.

Tom and Jim had finally got their hands on the food they had collected, the three guys had done a great job in the villa. Listening to their account Jim was told that, in addition to the skill, they had been really lucky. Of course, if you could consider lucky stealing food on a planet infected with poisonous spores, while the Governor hunted you down after condemning you to death.

Luck, Jim said, was a very strange concept.

_Illogical_ , Shin would have said.

However Tom had told him that when they entered the villa they had not found anyone, most likely his tenants were outside and the only people in charge of guarding the food were the guards that Jim had distracted. Solok had quickly created a bag by tearing up the kitchen tents and the three had intercepted the compressor where the food intended for that family had been stored. The three had not had time to walk around the house, but Tom assumed that it had to belong to very rich people, considering the tacky furniture and the grandeur of the place.

"What I don't understand," Julia interrupted them, "is why Kodos does nothing but try to kill us all and divide the remaining food"

"Well, for them, we'd be extra mouths to feed, and considering we're _the scum_ of this community, it makes sense for him to eliminate us and allow the most valiant to survive," Jim said, as he set aside a box of pre-cooked beans trying to curb the instinct that told him to open and devour it, without thinking twice.

"Of course, I understand that. But J, it's absurd, half the food in the colony has been destroyed by now it's been a month, how long will the remaining food last? Why didn't Kodos try to ask for help rather than think about decimating the population?"

Jim shook his head "One thing does not exclude the other. Maybe Kodos _really_ asked for help and maybe got no answer. For this reason he considered the execution. Or maybe not, we'll never know.

Jim fished two packs from the makeshift sack and watched the food in his hands, his heart lost a beat and he found himself breathing deeply and trying not to give in the eye. He squeezed the two packs and said he had to keep those two boxes just for himself, he would give away all his food rations, but he had to keep that _food_ just for himself.

A low murmur distracted them all, Solok was opening his eyes and a grimace of pain appeared on Shin's face. Jim didn't think twice before tucking the two boxes into the bag he was carrying hanging from his belt, he also put the knife in it, and he got up quickly.

"What's going on? Did you make it? Did you heal him?" he asked Solok as he got back on his feet.

"I suppose much of the work has done him his own mind, he stopped the bleeding of blood from his hand so that it did not constitute a mortal danger to him, in any case I stimulated his mind and he should be able to wake up soon"

Jim sighed all his relief and refrained from jumping on Solok to hug him.

He thought that, at the end, strange as the concept of luck was, at that time he really liked to be that lucky.

_2246.6.19 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

Shin sat a little further on the edge parallel to the waterfall, watching the water plunge into the winding stream moving through the mountains trying to reach the city. Before the settlers arrived, the city had been a lake, however when the first pilgrims had planned the colony, they had decided to drain it and collect the planet's water in the reservoirs surrounding the valley.

Jim stared at his friend for a while before he got out of the cave and approached him, everyone else was asleep and even Solok – who until recently had meditated – had become asleep. They were the only two still awake, but now that Shin had woken up Jim realized that he didn't want to sleep for the world at all.

They had tried to eat as much food as possible, that very night much of what they had stolen would be burned by poisonous spores.

"Hey," he said, sitting next to his friend.

Shin looked at him but said nothing, he simply turned back toward the creek.

Most likely if they hadn't been fugitives on a cursed planet that moment would have been a happy moment, between two friends who shared an afternoon of tranquility.

But they _were_ just fugitives on a cursed planet.

"I... I know maybe I'm wrong but-"

"Thank you for saving me that night," Shin interrupted him, looking at him again.

Jim shook his head "You don't have to. It was just luck."

_Luck._

"No, it wasn't. You killed that man, and if you didn't, he would have killed me," the Vulcan muttered.

Jim nodded as he looked at the trees surrounding the cave and escarpment, the roots peeping between the rocks of the cliff and down, towards the stream, swaying stems of grass moved by the breeze and the flow of moving water.

"I'm a murderer now"

"No, you're not. You did it to protect my life"

Neither of them spoke, the silence rose between them accompanied by the noises of the woods, and it was not annoying or even oppressive, it was a dear friend who cradled them in the sweet pain they were experiencing.

"Vulcans do not kill. We do not take the lives of other living beings, for us life is as sacred as it is abominable to take it away. That's why we don't eat meat," he continued.

Jim nodded again, "Is that what I am, then? An abomination?"

Shin stared intently, "There are very few cases where a Vulcan could kill. To protect a family member or to protect their beloved. That night you protected me and by doing it you took a life, it's a debt I can never repay. But I am grateful to you for what you have done"

Jim closed his eyes and breathed slowly.

He didn't know what to feel at the time, he felt he could fall into despondency at any time if he stopped to really think about what he had done.

But he couldn't do it, he couldn't collapse and drag everyone behind with him. He had to resist and do it with all the strength he possessed. They had a long night ahead of them, but the sun had to come out sooner or later.

He blinked again and smiled "I have a present for you," he whispered, his hands hanging from his belt, looked around before pulling out two silicone boxes and tendering them to his friend.

Shin took them and watched them for a long time.

The first time Jim had seen a Vulcan, he thought that those who considered them human computers were most likely right. On their faces there was no shadow of an expression, no emotion, not even in their voice. When he had seen Solok again, a month after his conviction, the Vulcan had not let any emotion shine through on his pale face. However, Shin was different, and this Jim had noticed from the first day the other he had saved his life.

Shin looked at the boxes and perhaps for anyone else his would have been a face devoid of expressiveness or emotion, but not for Jim who saw those big dark eyes fill with emotion, his eyelids to lower slightly, a flicker of his lip, the grip stiffening on his packaging.

When Shin looked at him his face was anything but a slab of impassive coldness and mere calculation, but it was a beautiful painting of _human emotions_ : respect, gratitude, sadness, joy.

Jim smiled as Shin muttered, "It's Ploomek soup. "

The Earthling nodded and threw the other with his arms, touched a solid body, too thin, and with too many exposed bones. Yet he was solid _and alive._ And even though they were just fugitives on a cursed planet, that little moment of peace belonged only to them and they were living it intensely.

_2246.6.24 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

Jim clutched little Kevin to his chest as he wept in despair, cradling him in his arms for an hour. The other boys were flattened against the walls of the cave with their hands pressed to their ears and their eyes closed.

Shin was sitting next to him and he was staring at the rock wall in front of him as if he could find an explanation for the delirium in which they were living.

A roar spread out of the cave, the earth shook, and it seemed that the entire planet was vibrating, Julia let out a frightened scream and squeezed against Shran. Solok glanced out of the cave, and although his gaze did not allow any emotion to shine through, Jim knew that the Vulcan was worried and frightened.

All of them, they are all frightened, they were terrified.

"I don't want to die, J, what's going on?" whined little Kevin.

Jim breathed deeply and shook his head, turned to look at Shin before finding the courage to speak "I don't know, Kev, I don't know what's going on. But we are far from the city. We're safe here."

Shin stared at him with his deep, impenetrable dark eyes. They looked at each other for a long time and _knew, communicated,_ because it was evident that what he had said was only a lie. They knew very well what was happening but they didn't want to terrorize the younger boys even more and maybe say it out loud would have terrified them too much too.

A week had passed since their last foray into the city, in those long days they had starved but dared not risk. They were exhausted so weak that they also lost the ability to suffer.

It was clear.

_The food on Tarsus IV was officially finished_.

And that's where the civil rebellion began.

" It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. " Jim began, and all eyes were on him.

Were they headed to heaven? Were they headed for darkness?

Were they headed for light?

None of them knew, and none of them had been asking for it for a long time. They were alone, hungry, tired, in a never-ending hell built only for them, nine kids beyond time.

_It was the best of times and it was the worst of times_.

Shin looked at him, his dark eyes twinkled in the darkness, probing him as Jim continued to tell. His words were an ointment for fear, a distraction from the abyss that was engulfing them.

He kept talking until another bomb exploded, destroying the stillness.

He kept talking and did so until he had the strength to keep talking.

_2246.6.26 Starfleet calendar, Planet Tarsus IV_

"J! J, run! Run! They're coming! We have to run away," Anton yelled as he exited the cave. The Earthly boy was pale and too skinny he had his glovesand hollowed out, and his black-rimed eyes gave him the air of a ghost, one of those Jim had only seen in holographic films.

The child collided with him and they almost fell off the cliff.

"What's going on?" he asked, alarmed.

"They're coming! There are people, Tom saw them while he was scouting the area, we have to leave! They have rifles"

They heard gunshots not far away, Jim found that they were far enough away to give them a little advantage but too close to warn them. They both fled to the cave where the other boys were preparing to leave.

They had nothing with them but the carcasses of the undernourished bodies that dragged themselves wearily behind them.

"Let's go! We will go up the mountain and look for shelter on the other side," he said, "we have to divide ourselves, so we won't be caught if they come to us. Julia, Tom, take Shran and John and climb west, Solok take Kevin and Shin and climb up northwest. I'll stay behind and try to take them off creating false tracks"”

Shin stepped forward with a determined look but Jim raised his hand before him, "I don't accept protests! You're still weak after the injuries you've sustained, it makes _sense_ it’s me to take them down. We'll meet on the other side."

Solok stared at them both before nodding "We must go."

Jim approached Shin and took his hands in his own, the Vulcan gasped, wide-eyed, "We'll meet again. No matter how, no matter where, we'll find ourselves. I'll come back to you"

Shin looked at him as if he were torn between the desire to obey and the desire to take him down so he could drag him with him, but eventually he gave up and nodded.

Jim hugged him, it was days that gesture kept repeating itself and neither of them had said anything about it. When they embraced, it was the only time they could both find some lightness and peace in that hell they were falling into.

"Stay alive!" whispered Jim before letting him go.

_What's going on?_ He thought, opening his eyes.

He was lying on the ground, his chest hurt and his legs were heavy, he tried to focus his sight but it looked like a red glaze had fallen on his face and prevented him from seeing.

He tried to sit down but felt himself pushing back to the ground, there were hands around him that were touching him and probing every inch of his body.

He breathed hard, they had hit him in the back and most likely continued to beat him after he fell unconscious, now he felt his lungs burn.

He had tried to sow them, to take them as far as possible, running mad to leave false traces behind him but they had reached him and now they kept him nailed to the ground as if it were an inanimate object or a helpless puppet. He was powerless, he was hungry, he was tired and perhaps, _perhaps,_ he was ready to die.

That they had killed him, he thought, he didn't care anymore. It was too late.

He had sent the kids away, he had saved them from the arrival of the beasts, his task was over, and he could also die. He thought of Shin, his dark, deep eyes, his resolute gaze, the hugs they had exchanged, the unspoken words.

He thought back to the day they found the peaches, the day they ate the Freok, he thought back to when they had found Kevin, to the hugs given, to the words spoken, to their hands together, to the look of the Vulcan when he had tended the packaged Ploomek soup. He thought back to the soldier he had killed to protect Shin, to his blood gushing from the wound. He thought of everything and nothing, he was ready to die.

It had really been the best of times and the worst of times, the season of wisdom and the season of madness, the age of faith and the age of disbelief, the time of light and the period of darkness, the spring of hope, and the winter of despair. He just wanted to talk, he just wanted to say goodbye.

But the words were not necessary, they were just too much.

_Sorry Shin_ thought Jim, _it just seems like I won't be able to reach you in the end_.

He heard a blow crashing into his right temple, he emitted an alien sound, unrecognizable, but he couldn't do anything else. His ears whistled and the blinding red on his eyes seemed to increase his intensity, he became warmer, denser, darker. Until it got dark and then he fainted.

He opened his eyes and found himself lying under a gray sky as a shower of ash covered him and thick smoke entered his lungs painfully enveloping them. 

He tried to breathe deeply but he was coughed so hard that he broke down in tears.

He looked around, he had definitely been taken to the city, recognized the houses around him but the had been abandoned in some back lane. Perhaps they had believed him dead and had thrown him away, like a body with no more value.

He slowly sat up and for a moment his mind failed to record what his eyes were looking at, he sensed only another piece of ash falling on his nose. Then he realized, he looked around and _saw._

He was surrounded by bodies, all around him there were bodies lying motionless with grainy and lifeless eyes, mouths still half open and limbs dislocated.

A vomiting cone climbed back to his throat and he had to fight to keep the bile downward, he couldn't vomit anything else. The smell of smoke was enveloping him and his eyes were pinching from the rarefied air, he had to try to get out of there. He had to run. He stretched his arms to carry carpons, he was exhausted, and his chest hurt as if he had a blade stuck directly in his sternum, but he tried to find the energy to stand.

He rose slowly and wobbled for a while before holding himself in a relatively stable position.

_Walk, Jim, now walk_.

He tried to move his legs, but they didn't respond to the commands of his brain, they seemed immobilized.

He heard gunshots coming from another part of the city and knew he had to move away from there or it would be the end for him, so he decided to stand up to the walls so he could give himself the push to move his joints. He walked as fast as he could, despite being able to take a few steps at a time, but he had to keep fighting.

He didn't know where he was going, nor what he was going to do from here on, he was too weak to climb the mountain but he couldn't stay in the city where he would be too exposed. He did not know what was happening, what had happened, but he was certain that the civilians were rebelling against the Governor and his military forces, and perhaps the army itself had become mutiny.

It was a fight to the death, a fight where everyone was fighting everyone and he was right in the middle.

He walked again, he didn't know how far he had come, all he knew was that he needed to stop, to collapse, to die there.

He stumbled against a step and fell banging his head, he was so tired, so weak.

_Weak_.

He realized he was at the foot of a bleachers, tried to look up and saw the stage, the podium where Kodos had given his speech on the day of the sentencing. He let go a bitter laugh, incredulous, angry.

"I came back here at the end," he whispered, but the mere movement of his lips caused another choke.

He tried to get back on his feet but with little results, he collapsed back against the stairs.

He sighed, closing his eyes, there was nothing left to do, it was over.

He smiled and lay battered on the ladder, he would wait for death there as he watched a gloomy sky covered in smoke, and as hunger slowly ate him from the inside, the blood that bathed his face and loneliness kept him company like an old friend.

He would have waited only for death, nothing else.

_You can't do anything anymore,_ Jimmy.

He closed his eyes and gave himself up to pain and pleasure, he relaxed imagining the end, imagining his cold and motionless body, the peace that would awaited for him at the end of his life.

He remembered Shin and smiled, in that one, weary moment, told himself that despite everything, he had been _lucky._ The last thought was Shin's image, then he didn't know anything, he didn't hear anything anymore.

He fainted and did not hear the steps moving quickly towards him, he did not see Lieutenant Kenzou approach him with grainy eyes as he led a rescue team to Governor Kodos' palace.

He saw nothing, he heard nothing, he said nothing.

_The words were very unnecessary_.


	4. Sin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry to update after a long time but I have been very busy with the work. Next week I won't be able to update since I will be on vacation. I hope you like the story and I want to thank all of you for the kudos and for your attention. Kisses :)
> 
> P.S. this chapter presents a series of events that are not in chronological order so pay attention to the date preceding each paragraph. Hope you like it and, if you want, let me know what do you think of this work.

_“Angels with silver wings_

_Shouldn't know suffering_

_I wish I could take the pain for you_

_If God has a master plan_

_That only He understands_

_I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through”_

[Precious – Depeche Mode](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yn3ViE6mhY)

Sin

_2255.5.22 Starfleet Calendar,San Francisco, Starfleet Academy_

Spock quickly typed the remaining strings of code on the keyboard before starting the _test-retest_ that would thoroughly study the program all the night. He expected the reliability index to be ninety-nine percent with a zero point one percent gap.

He quickly started the program and got up from his chair to head for the exit of his office.

He had been Commander Instructor at the Starfleet Academy for two months, and his first task was to design the final test that the Cadets of the Command Department would have to undergo before their promotion. Spock had devoted himself entirely to the theoretical design of the test, which he had presented to the Admirals and Department Directors, and all had agreed to his proposal, ordering him to complete it by the beginning of the next academic semester. He still had three point seventeen months before him but he had decided to finish it immediately so that he could focus on some experiments that he intended to carry out by collaborating with the Physics laboratory. 

He went down the stairs, tucking into the jacket that his mother had given him for his birthday, despite being spring to Earth, the temperature was still hovering around twenty-six degrees and Spock, who was accustomed to a much warmer atmosphere, continued to suffer the cold.

As he walked he remembered his mother's face when he had given him the jacket he was now wearing, it had been on his birthday the same year that he had rejected admission to the Vulcan Academy of Sciences and left to study at the Starfleet Academy. Although Spock did not celebrate his birthday – nor any other occasion – his mother Amanda continued to insist on paying homage to him by giving him valuables.

However, although he kept reminding her that it was illogical for him to celebrate something like birth, he had never disputed the woman's attitude, as a human, and he himself was half terrestrial. And perhaps because of his human half, even if he found that some recurrences were illogical, he could not avoid participating himself– every year– in the celebration of an anniversary.

As he descended the stairs, he thought that that day was exactly the day he would retrace with his mind the events of his past that he could not ignore. He entered his apartment, which was in the West Wing of the Academy and was reserved for instructors, stook off his jacket and proceeded to the kitchen. Almost mechanically he opened his own fridge and the first thing he took was a jar of pre-packaged Ploomek soup, then walked to a pantry to extract a jar of syrupy peaches.

He washed his hands and sat down at the kitchen table.

It was _illogical,_ he thought, as he opened the soup jar.

First, Ploomek's soup had to be cooked and eaten hot, and that food brought back to mind a period of his life that had long since passed and that there was no point in continuing to remember. Continuing to think of the past was of no use to his present life and the future, he had learned from it – surely – and he had drawn lessons and experiences that had formed him in his growth path, so there was no need to recall him every year, as he continued to do.

But as senseless as his behavior might be, that recurrence was the only day he allowed himself to embrace his human side. He ate cold Ploomek soup as he had been eaten by a terrestrial boy a day many years earlier.

J.

Spock continued to eat, recalling the moment when the boy had tended those two cans to him as if they had been the most precious thing in the universe, as if even their lives had not been more precious than that food. Spock, that day, had looked at the boy's blue eyes and bitter smile, rebellious hair and determined gaze.

He opened the jar of peaches, after finishing the soup, and let go of the cutlery to eat using his hands. Although he was a Vulcan and his hands should not touch the food, he could not prevent, on that specific day every year, from eating that fruit in that way. He did it as he had done years before when he had turned his back on J in an abandoned kitchen on Tarsus IV, as he had done when he had first betrayed someone who was suffering. Years later, he thought, the taste of the peaches had not improved and eating them still caused him a feeling of disgust for himself.

J couldn't eat them, but he did.

It was _illogical_.

_2255.5.22 Starfleet Calendar, Riverside, Iowa_

Jim sat on the bed in his room, he had his hands resting on his face and breathed calmly. He had just returned from a busy day at work and he felt as tired as a few other times. When he had woken up that morning, he didn't need to know what day it was because he had _felt_ it inside him. All day long he had failed to concentrate on work and had returned home destroyed both physically and psychologically. Every year he waited for that particular anniversary to be able to vent, to do something that could erase from his mind memories of his past and the time he had spent on planet Tarsus IV. Even that year, like every other year, he would drive to the bar farther from the farm where he lived and drink, he would pick someone up - anyone - to spend the night on and the next day he would have been better.

He knew that his behavior was wrong and that continuing to reject what had happened could only be detrimental to his psychophysical well-being, now he had been repeating it for years, but he also knew that nothing would change and that he would continue to behave in that way. Years had passed but the pain was still vivid within his mind and body.

The day of his rescue on the planet, he was rescued by the team of the then Lieutenant Kenzo and he was taken to the starship along with the other survivors of the colony, but he had been unconscious the whole time and had awakened when he was already on Earth.

Once awake he had asked anyone to track down the other survivors, he had asked about Shin – of whom there seemed to be no trace – and Kevin and the other kids.

However, he had not been told anything about who had survived and who had not, perhaps out of privacy, perhaps because they had not wanted to upset his already fragile psyche of his own, Jim had asked to do more in-depth research, he had _begged_ the Admiral, who had gone to talk to him, to look for that Vulcan, but the Starfleet had quickly silenced the story of the massacre of Tarsus IV.

He had long thought about going to Vulcan to look for his friend in person but his mother had prevented him and Jim had faced five long years of post-traumatic stress.

He recalled the moments he had experienced in those first five years after the massacre, of waking up in the middle of the night on the dark farm and, as driven by a foreign force, he would head into the kitchen, open the fridge, and begin to fill himself with everything he could. He drank milk, ate bacon, sucked eggs straight from his shell. Several times he had risked dying because of his allergies, he gulved the food without even looking at it, and if only his mother Winona had not kept him constantly under control then he would have died for a while.

It had been a long and gradual journey, he had seen therapists to talk about his experience on the Planet – however he had kept to himself the night he had killed the military in cold blood – he had been followed by an experienced nutritionist, yet only after a long time he had started behaving normally again, like any boy his age.

After graduating, he had planned to enroll in the Starfleet Academy, he had good grades – very good, actually – and would have no problem being accepted. But at the end he didn't, he hated them all for coming too late, for not preventing the massacre, and for allowing Shin and Kevin's pain. After nine long years now, he thought, he had found his stability, he worked as a mechanic in a small workshop in the city, and he was fine with it, he did not aspire to anything more. He was 22 years old by now and it was clear that his life would be in Riverside.

After the massacre on Tarsus IV, Winona had returned home taking a leave and had driven Frank out after knowing everything that was going on in her absence. However, it wasn't Jim who talked to his mother about Frank, he thought Sam still talked to her after all, but he no longer had any contact with his brother. For a few years now, however, Winona had resumed traveling among the stars and he had been completely alone on a farm too big for a single man.

He shook his head trying to focus, he didn't have to get too lost in his thoughts or he would get trapped, he got up to take a shower, that night he would go to the bar and drink, pick someone up and _forget_ Tarsus IV and the promise he had never kept with Shin.

_No matter how, no matter where, we'll find each other. I'll come back to you._

_2249.1.22 Starfleet calendar, Shi'Khar, Vulcan_

"Spock! Spock! You have to wake up, come back! You're on Vulcan, you're home!"

Spock heard a voice calling him with despair but he didn't turn to see who he was, it wasn't J's voice, and therefore it wasn't relevant. He kept running through the trees as he skirted the stream, he didn't know where the other was but he had to stop J and bring him back with him. It was crazy to leave him behind, there was no point in trying to mislead anyone who was looking for them, they would have to run away together and if the guards had reached them then they would kill them as they did with the soldier who had attacked him in the woods.

He had to run, he had to move, there was no time and J could be in danger, they could have found him and attacked him or, worse, killed him.

He snarled all his anger at the thought that someone could _touch J,_ kill him. J was his friend, J was his companion and he would protect him with his own life.

_What are you doing, Spock? Are you feeling?_

"Spock! Stop! Sarek, take him!"

He heard other voices but he kept running, the woods were dark and he didn't even see where he was going, he just knew he had to follow the creek, he had to find J and do it before it was too late. In that darkness it was difficult to see but he knew that by the time J had been near him he would be able to sense _his_ _presence._ He didn't need to see it.

When he was wrapped in two mighty hands he began to kick and squirm, he could not let them take it, he had to... Must...

"J! Let me! Let me! I have to find J" he yelled, with all the breath in his lungs. He screamed and squirmed, perhaps wept but he realized that he no longer cared.

"Spock! Wake up, you are unstable, you need to strengthen your mental shields and come back to think _lucidly._ "

Spock gasped for the mad rush, the pain, the fear.

"Spock, I am Sarek, your father. Now I will enter your mind and you will return to reality"

_No._

_No._

"No!" he whispered.

He couldn't allow it, he couldn't stand still there. He had to find J or they would kill him. He felt hands moving on his face, around him he saw no one, there was only the darkness of the night and the trees of the woods.

"They are going to kill him," he gasped.

_They are going to kill him_.

_2257.8.6_ _Starfleet Calendar, San Francisco, Starfleet Academy_

"Commander, sir, we have finished writing the paper on the Andorian linguistic variation on the Myth of Thirishar and made linguistic comparisons with the Aenar scriptures"

Spock nodded at the woman who stood in front of him, casting a proud and smug look at him. He had been working with her for a few years and he was fascinated by his intellectual abilities and his predisposition for xenolinguistic. "Very well, Cadet Uhura" he replied as he took the PADD that she was tending to him, "I will review the Paper and send it to the Xenolinguistic Commission for publication. I suppose you are interested in talking about it to first-year students."

The woman's eyes lit up with joy as her lips parted in a slight, satisfied smile, "I would be honored, Sir"

Spock nodded again before turning to get out of the xenolinguistic lab and return to his office where he was to examine the admission tests of the new cadets, just before he left, however, the cadet cleared his voice and stopped him calling his attention.

"Sir"

Spock turned to look at her and noticed that now her gaze had changed, she had abandoned the satisfaction of before and seemed tense and anxious.

"Is there anything else you want to add?" he said. Spock had noticed the tendency of the Earthlings not to go straight to the point when they needed something, he found it _irritating,_ since on Vulcan the customs were truly the opposite. But an old Earthly saying read " _When you're in Rome, do like the Romans"_ and he had also learned to indulge the noble art of _gossip_ and _pleasantries._

"Sir, I wanted to ask you... would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

The Cadet Uhura had spoken quickly and in a nervous tone however, noted the Vulcan, the woman had not lowered her gaze – as many Earthlings used to do after doing or saying something that caused them discomfort. Uhura looked at him yes, anxiously, but also with determination.

Spock knew determination, he had seen it many times painted on the face of a human boy who had been on Tarsus IV with him.

The woman in front of him was very different, however, from that boy, she had dark skin from the color of the ebony and even darker hair, her eyes were deep and in those eyes there was no fear but only a deep determination and, when turned towards him, they had a veil of admiration.

She was a pleasant woman, he noted, both physically and mentally. His intellect was fascinating as was her ideas in the field of xenolinguistic.

She moved slightly, stepping towards him, "If you think my request is inappropriate, Sir..."

"I accept your company at dinner, tonight, Cadet Uhura" he interrupted her.

She seemed to reeling from her words for a moment before her face stretched out and a serene smile spread across her dark eyes.

Spock turned and walked out of the lab thinking back to the fact that he had just consented to a romantic approach on the part of the woman. He was not, however, annoyed by his response to the advances because he had known the other for three years and had learned to appreciate her skills in different areas, not just linguistics. In the past she had been invaluable in analyzing recordings about the serial killer known as The _Doctor,_ she was also pleasant to watch and therefore it was a logical choice for him to agree to know her in a personal as well as a professional sphere.

After his return from the colony on Tarsus IV his mind had rejected all bonds and therefore even his combined bond with T'Pring had been broken involuntarily, his parents had decided not to rebuild it and Sarek himself had found it logical that Spock himself would choose, when he would heal, his own bond.

Uhura was a logical choice and, he said internally – feeling only a slight shame in thinking about it – it was also a choice he liked.

_2250.11.1 Starfleet Calendar, Riverside, Iowa_

"Jim, please lower the knife. Please"

Jim looked at his mother Winona, inside him knew who was in front of him and spoke calmly, but he could not do what was asked of him. He couldn't.

He saw the soldier bent over Shin's body, with his weight holding him to the ground, and with the knife he was carving furrows on his palm. In his mind there were the screams of his friend, to hear them was devastating and to see him suffer in that way destroyed him.

"Let him go," he hissed.

His mother gasped "I... I didn't take anybody Jim. It's just us here, _please,_ please come back to yourself"

Jim breathed even faster by snorting air from his nose like an angry bull, he was on the brink and soon he would kill again, he would sink the blade into the man's neck and protect Shin. Even at the cost of his life, he felt he had to protect him even at the cost of dying.

"You Must. Leave. Him." He screamed infuriated before throwing himself at the figure brandishing the knife, ready to strike, ready to sink the blade, ready to kill.

"JIM! Stop!" the woman yelled.

Just before he lowered the blade he stopped, felt his mind falter and the room around him began to twirl furiously. He wasn't on Tarsus IV he was in the kitchen of the farm and the one in front of him was his tearful mother staring at him with blue eyes full of fright.

He roused himself and threw the knife as the room continued to twirl around him, or perhaps he was spinning like crazy. He did not know it because after few seconds his eyes saw nothing and he fainted banging his head against the kitchen table.

_2256.7.25 Starfleet Calendar, San Francisco, Starfleet Academy_

Jim wondered what the hell was wrong with him to keep attracting all possible misfortunes. He had trained for six months in order to take the Advanced Command Tactical test and was able to be selected as The Leader of Team Delta to lead the mission. Theoretically, the mission was only supposed to be a controlled exercise in a supervised environment, but it turned out to be anything but.

He held back an imprecation so as not to worry Braxim, his teammate, the only Xanno at the Academy. He was a good companion who carried out all his orders but lacked creativity in the most unexpected situations, but Jim knew how to deal with desperate situations, he had already tried it once on his own skin.

"Kirk you have to hurry out of there, otherwise you'll find yourself trapped" said a voice through the earpiece Jim was wearing.

"Thank you, uh, _Kelly_ is what I'm trying to do" he replied as he searched for a lever to open the manhole under their feet. It was such a similar situation _to the one he had already experienced that_ was almost comical.

James Tiberius Kirk: The Man Who Attracted Tragedies. And that fled into the sewers.

"Kelly is not my name, be serious now"

Jim smiled and walked toward the crystal palace to his right, the doors were flanked by rows – on both sides – of flags on which the banners of the Federation Planets were printed, he attached himself to a rod and forced himself to crush it from the wall.

"Come on Brax, help me!" he yelled at his teammate.

The alien was immediately beside him and began to pull forcefully down and after a few seconds the rod gave way.

"You know Uhura, you're going to have to tell me your name sooner or later, I'm going to have to call you somehow when we're engaged".

"It will never happen, Kirk, not even in your dreams," she laughed, dismissively.

They began to force themselves to lift the heavy metal circle, and when it was moved, they quickly advanced towards the sewers.

"In my wet dreams you're not _just_ my fiancée," he laughed and darted into the darkness without waiting for her answer.

"Here's Jim Kirk speaking to Team Delta through the internal communication channel. Our outward communications are disrupted due to my and cadet Braxim current location. We have detected a multitude of specimens of alien plants that prolific in the drainage channels of the Tenderloin neighborhood, the order is to _not_ approach for any reason the alien specimens detected and not collect samples. They could contain poisonous spores and kill you. Kirk out."

He closed the communicator hoping that the recorded message would reach the entire team and that none of the cadets would decide to approach the plants around them.

"Come on, Brax, we have to get out of here and find the others"

The Xanno stared at him frowning, "Kirk, they could be fatal for the whole city. We should collect them and take a sample to the labs"

Jim thought about it before shaking his head, "You're right, but we can't take them without any protection, if they were poisonous they would kill us instantly. I have reason to believe that these plants were not born here of their own accord and that The Doctor has something else in mind" he began to walk eastwards where the conduit crossed with the one coming from the Chinatown district, with a bit of luck they would have climbed into a neutral area where no explosive devices had been placed.

The Academy's emergency team was on their way and they had to be reunited with the rest of the team before they could get out of the protected area that had been erected for testing.

"But what if they kill everyone else too?"

"If we don't get out of here, we won't be able to inform anyone!" said Jim, "And then who will warn the High Command of what is happening below?"

He had raised his voice and now Braxim stared at him unconvinced but Jim knew what he was saying, he was self-confident, and he really had every intention of preventing any attack the Doctor was planning, but first he had to warn the High Command.

The Xanno nodded slightly and began to follow him.

Jim walked in silence trying to hold back a bitter laugh, he was in the sewers surrounded by potentially deadly plants, it was all too _similar_ not to be blatantly a mockery.

"Bones! Careful!" yelled Jim as he fired at the metal ball as he made his way to McCoy.

"What the hell was that thing?"

"Nanites, they sting you in the head and kill you instantly but they store your organs so that the doctor can pick them up, they are the fruit of plants that grow in the drainage channels," he said, looking quickly around.

"What... but it's horrible, Jim! What the hell is that madman doing with the organs he collects?"

Jim didn't answer, he didn't even know what answer to give to that question, he just knew the Doctor was somewhere in the building and they had to find it.

"There will be more, let's keep our eyes open!"

McCoy grunted all his displeasure "Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor not a military."

The two began to climb the stairs but a buzz caught their attention and just before turning towards the next ramp they saw a set of Nanites coming at full speed towards them. Jim rolled his eyes and without thinking he turned to his friend and landed him to protect him with his body, the impact caused them to tumble down the stairs.

_Why do I always end up on the brink of death?_

_2258.6._ _30 Starfleet Calendar, San Francisco, Starfleet Academy_

Spock decided to keep his composure as he stared at the cadet who - just two points six metres from him - seemed to want to challenge him with a set of completely illogical and out-of-argument statements.

" Your argument precludes the possibility of a no-win scenario" he replied calmly as if he were speaking to a human child.

Cadet Kirk smiled contemptuously "I don't believe in no-win scenarios"

Spock arched an eyebrow, he was puzzled by the attitude of the other, and felt he was also vaguely annoyed; he recalled the cadet in question, had assessed him during the Tactics test on the day the Doctor decided to activate the Nanites to assimilate the organs of the inhabitants of San Francisco. He had positively assessed cadet Kirk's attitude and now he did not understand his complete lack of logic and reason in the face of such a _simple_ evidence.

" Then, not only did you violate the rules, you also failed to understand the principle lesson"

"Please enlighten me again!" smiled the other.

Spock thought that the cadet was clearly trying to arouse an emotion in him, irritation or anger, but he would not succeed.

"You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk. A Captain cannot cheat death"

Kirk's blue eyes were crossed for a moment by a look of astonishment and sorrow, Spock noticed it even though it was a moment so short that he doubted that that look had ever existed.

"I of all people" the cadet turned his blue eyes and looked down in front of him.

"Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?”

The cadet smiled bitterly and his face now represented a set of mixed emotions that Spock could not read. He thought that after six years on Earth he had learned to know human emotions and how to read them, but that cadet was elusive and unpredictable.

For a moment, _just_ one moment, the man in front of him reminded him of a little human boy with big blue eyes with a face full of mixed emotions who shook his hands and promised him that he would return.

But that wasn't J, he said to himself, before he kept talking.

  1. _4.19_ _Starfleet calendar, Yorktown_ _Starbase_



Jim looked at the air hatch in front of him as he was dragged away by the air current. He knew there wouldn't be much to do and soon he would end up in deep space, in a few nanoseconds his entire body would be frozen and he would stop living, before disintegrating among the stars.

He considered that this was a fine way to die, much better than his _actual_ death in the radioactive chamber of the core on the Enterprise. Indeed, he had always lived a life on the boundary between life and death, he had tried to do his best and protect as many people as possible.

He heard Bones's voice spread through his earpiece but he didn't pay much attention to his words, he wanted to die happy and not thinking about the pain he was leaving behind. Not even three days earlier he had submitted his candidacy for the position of Vice Admiral on the Starbase he had just saved, yet he knew that his place was not on the ground but among the stars. It was only in the infinity of space that he had found some peace. Although he had suffered for a long time, despite the dangers they had run and despite being on the brink of death over and over again, he knew that only on the Enterprise he had found some security and a place to call _home._ He had been a Captain and had done his best to protect his crew, perhaps he could have done more but he had given all himself to the four hundred lives that served under his command.

_Is there anything you wouldn't do for your family?_ , had asked Khan a few years earlier.

His answer was no.

He saw the air hatch getting closer and closer and he prepared to be thrown out, closed his eyes and waited for the end. An end that, however, did not happen because Spock's hands closed around his right arm and he, looking at the Vulcan, clung to it with all his might. They looked intently before Jim was thrown inside the alien _bee_ to safety.

Breathing quickly, he looked at his first officer with a raised, melancholy smile "What would I do without you, Spock?"

But maybe, maybe he should have called him _Shin._

_2259.10.17_ _Starfleet calendar, USS Enterprise NC_ _–_ _1701_

"Sir, you’d better get down here. Better hurry"

Commander Scott's voice trembled throughout the bridge that until a few seconds earlier had rejoiced at the failure to impact on Earth.

Spock quickly looked around and noticed that everyone's smile was turning off and that they looked at him in shock, _as if they knew._

Without thinking about what he was doing, he found himself getting up from the command chair and rushing off the dashboard towards the turbolift, he saw distractedly that Nyota stared at him with a confused and sad expression and that she was uncertain whether to follow him or not. The doors of the turbolift closed before she could decide, and Spock felt relieved that she had not followed him, there in that cramped space that walked slowly toward the Bridge O he felt like a caged animal ready to tear to pieces anyone on the other side when the doors opened. It was a senseless behavior but he did not want to think about logic, not at that time, he had no interest in keeping his feelings under his strict mental control.

Not now that he had understood and that _he finally knew_.

The doors opened and he started running towards the core control chamber, he had to hurry, before it was too late.

_Better hurry_ , Scott said, and he was trying to do it, to do his best because he couldn't lose him again.

"How's our ship?" Jim's face was a mask of pain and suffering, his big blue eyes were injected with red, and Spock felt _a physical_ pain to see that clear color fade behind the scarlet blood.

His cells were disintegrating and as the seconds flowed, they melted under the weight of radiation. Spock found himself repressing a gasp but couldn't stop his body shaking at that sight, it was too much, _too much._

"Out of danger. You saved the crew"

He no longer recognized his voice, he no longer had control of his body. Spock was shaking and something inside of him was struggling to get out but he didn't know what.

_J, J!_

"You used what he wanted against him. That's a nice move" Jim's lips moved slowly but the human kept resisting and smiling.

"It is what you would have done"

"And this... this is what you would have done. It was only logical" Jim whispered before taking a deep, coughing breath.

Spock refrained from pounding his fists against the glass, he wanted to destroy it and free his Captain from that radioactive grave.

"I'm afraid, Spock. Help me not to be. How do you choose not to feel?"

Spock felt tears free from his eyes and descending his cheeks, he felt a void inside that was devouring him, and it was worse than anything he had ever felt before. Neither hunger, nor fear, nor his own death. What he was seeing and experiencing was devastating and it was slowly killing him.

"I do not know. Right now I am failing" he whispered in a broken voice.

Jim smiled at him faintly, and Spock found himself hoping that the other would be able to understand and see what he was feeling, because if he didn't do it then it didn't make sense, it made no sense to feel emotions so intense that hurted. It was useless.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you"

Spock began to breathe quickly, his hands against the glass trembled.

He could have said it at that moment, let Jim know, _no J,_ that he had finally kept his promise to return. Let him know that that little boy on Tarsus IV, the rebellious cadet of the Academy and the Captain of the Enterprise had come back many times to save him. Jim had done it on Tarsus IV, in the battle against Nero, had done it in the volcano on Nibiru, he had done it now putting his own life on the line.

He could have told that simple truth and freed both of them from a burden they had been carrying for too long. But he couldn't tell, he felt it wasn't right to reveal it that way. It wasn't the right time.

"Because you are my friend" he said.

Jim moved slightly, his face focused on gathering the few remaining energies, he brought a hand to touch the glass that separated them. Spock stared at him before resting his palm on the other side of the glass, his hand open in the ta'al, the Vulcan salute.

Jim watched something curiously as his body was shaken by the chills of death that was taking him away from them, _away from Spock. Away from Shin._

Spock didn't realize he had rested his ruined hand against the glass, the scars from his palm to his fingertips were the last thing Jim Kirk had seen before he died.


	5. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I am publishing this chapter after a long time, I apologize but I have experienced profound changes in this last month. I decided to conclude the story with this chapter and not with a sixth which, re-reading the story, made no sense to me. I wanted this to be a profound story, which would explain the birth of a bond without deepening it excessively and I hope to have succeeded in my intent. Thank you for the comments, the kudos, etc ... let me know what you think of this conclusion. Kisses :)

_“We all are living in a dream_

_But life ain't what it seems_

_Oh everything's a mess_

_And all these sorrows I have seen_

_They lead me to believe_

_That everything's a mess”_

[Dream – Imagine Dragons](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWu7JDETw_I&ab_channel=ImagineDragonsMusicAndLyrics)

**Confession**

_2259.5.22 Starfleet calendar, USS Enterprise NCC – 1701_

Spock calmly crossed bridge C, which was empty at the time, it was very late and the beta shift officers were at their jobs. Most of the staff on the alpha shift were, most likely, resting. According to the ship's clock, it was supposed to be zero three-point thirty am. Spock had long held back in the xenobotanic laboratory to finish experiments on the F'ausha plant, a rare specimen collected on the desert Planet Trokoss that could survive very high temperatures and flourish only once in a year. His studies, supported by Lt. Sulu, had confirmed that the only flower in the specimen had healing properties that, synthesized, would bring profound medical benefits. He had sent the results of his experiments to chemistry lab staff and Dr. McCoy.

Now he was walking to the mess hall because he had not yet dined and because, on that particular day, he needed to have dinner alone. He thought that he would prefer to dine in the privacy of his accommodation but in the last few days there had been a technical failure on the E Bridge that had limited the use of electronic equipment such as food replicators, so he had to settle for the mess hall number one. If he was lucky he wouldn't have found anyone at that late hour.

The door opened with a rustle, when the sensors felt his presence, and he entered the room ready to head for the replicators and prepare his peculiar dinner, however as soon as he set foot in the room his eyes noticed a mass of blond hair covering a face bent towards the table in front of him.

Spock realized that he did not know what to do, he certainly could not have dinner, as he used to do on that occasion, in front of someone else especially if that someone else was the Captain.

However, the man did not seem to have noticed it, in front of him there was no food but what at first glance looked like an empty glass, half hidden by the arms of the Captain who, meanwhile, stared intently at the object so much that he did not raise his head to the sound of the door opening. It was a unique vision to see the Captain in such a seemingly quiet state, after all James Kirk was always an overly exuberant and expansive man. Spock thought that something must have happened that had troubled the Captain judging by his deeply vacuous gaze. Spock, as First Officer, was responsible for taking care of the well-being of the Captain and the crew as his first duty.

He decided to clear his throat before speaking.

The sound had no effect on the Captain who continued to stare at the glass in front of him.

"Captain," he said, simply.

At the sound of his voice Kirk seemed to collect like from a deep sleep and looked around alarmed taking a deep breath "Commander, did something happen?" had his voice worried.

Commander?

The Captain rarely called him that, he usually simply used his name. Spock stared him in the eye and realized that the usually blue irises were surrounded by a blush just mentioned and that his lower eyelids were swollen. From an initial analysis it looked like the Captain had cried.

"Nothing relevant happened, Captain" he clarified, and glanced at the glass he had previously only glimpsed but now that the man had moved, lowering his arms from the table, he could clearly see that this was not an empty glass. It was a jar of syrupy peaches that lacked the lid.

Spock inhaled deeply.

"I have just finished my studies on the properties of the flower of F'ausha and felt it necessary to dine, despite the late hour," the First Officer clarified.

Jim nodded and smiled faintly before bringing his gaze back to the jar in front of him, "Are you having dinner too, Captain?"

"Spock we're off duty, you can call me Jim. Anyway, uh, no. I wasn't having dinner," he said slowly, "I was just remembering. Do you like peaches, Spock?"

The Vulcan decided to approach the table where the other was sitting and sat in front of him "To be honest, Captain, I had come to eat some peaches this evening"

Jim Kirk nodded and snorted with an amused air, "Then you can eat these, Spock. They're yours."

_Eat them, Shin. They're yours._

"To be honest, they are yours, Captain”.

Jim continued to smile with a heartbroken air painted on his face " _I am mortally allergic to peaches, I would die the second after swallowing them_ "

Spock stiffened and looked into Jim’s blue eyes that were veiled by a set of indefinite emotions, they were eyes so different from those he had known for a year and that man was so different from the Jim Kirk he saw every day. He looked like another person, he thought, that night, he seemed... seemed... an Earthly boy who refused his peaches on planet Tarsus IV.

"Captain... "Spock breathed deeply as the heartbeat gradually accelerated and a void opened in the middle of his stomach "Captain you are not allergic to peaches, I have seen you eat them on a number of occasions."

Jim Kirk laughed without noticing Spock's face getting paler and paler as he forced himself to keep his usual impassive expression "Yes, Spock, you're right. But today I am, eat them, are yours."

The Captain rose from his chair and began to walk to the exit of the mess hall.

Spock stared at the jar of peaches in front of him and did not answer when the Captain, coming out, wished him good night.

_2263.4.21 Starfleet calendar, Yorktown StarBase_

"What’s wrong, Spock?" Nyota said, standing in front of him with an irritated but hopeful expression "I can't understand anymore, it's frustrating"

Spock continued to look out the window of his apartment overlooking the Base Shuttle Hangar, the next morning the Crew of the Enterprise would split for at least a year - until the construction of the new USS Enterprise - A - and he would travel to New Vulcan to take part in the construction project of the Vulcan Academy of Sciences.

"I cannot _express_ my thoughts, Nyota, because it's not about what I think, but what-"

Uhura sprang wide-eyed" - what do you feel! That's what this is about, isn't it?"

The Vulcan moved to the replicator to make a green tea with an elderflower aroma "Indeed" he said as he waited for the drink to be ready.

The woman moved slowly toward the table in the middle of the room and sat down on a chair, continuing to remain silent. Spock assessed that his confession had created discomfort in what had been his partner, but after all the time they had spent together, involved in a romantic relationship, he knew he had to reveal the truth to her. Moreover, Nyota was – after his mother's departure – his only and most intimate confidant, and he needed her advice, even though – he had considered – after his revelation she might decide not to continue to have any relationship with him.

A rattling spread across the room, a sign that the tea was ready, and Spock took the teapot and two cups and placed them on a tray before bringing everything to the same table on which Uhura's arms were abandoned.

In silence, the Vulcan poured tea and held one to his speaker before pouring it for himself, but neither of them began to drink it.

"What is it, Spock? It's... concerns the _Pon--_ "

"No, Nyota. It is not about my time."

She nodded, "Then please tell me what's happening, because I can't understand you anymore."

If Spock hadn't been drinking before, he now felt a physiological need to do something to take time to gather his thoughts. In addition to his parents – who shared a telepathic bond with him – he had never allowed anyone to know the details of his time on Planet Tarsus IV. Two points six years earlier he had also initiated a mind meld with Nyota to create a first, initial bond as companions even though they had not finalized that bond, but during the meld he had decided to totally shield all his thoughts and memories about that particular period of his life. It was the first time he really talked _about_ it with someone who wasn't a Vulcan healer and found himself not knowing how to express what troubled him.

"It is a matter about the Captain, Nyota" he began, and she nodded as she began to drink her tea, Spock gathered all his thoughts and began to tell.

"Exactly seventeen points eight years ago I was sent to Planet Tarsus IV along with a group of eighteen Vulcan students to participate in a Special Interplanetary Education Program. By the time we arrived on the planet, it had already been reported that a bacteriological species, in particular an exotic fungus, was releasing highly infected spores that biologically attacked the organic molecules of the chemical structure of food, resulting in food decomposition. The vehiculation process of the spores was so fast that it destroyed fifty-four percent of the food resources stored in the colony's warehouses. Governor Kodos, after sending a distress request to the Starfleet, decided – contrary to any ethically correct alternative – to select, among the members of the colony, those who at that time could prove necessary to study the threat and make scientifically relevant proposals to solve the problem. Anyone who was not considered to be of value to the community was sentenced to death so that the rest could survive with the food still preserved."

Nyota put her hand to her lips, peeling her eyes that were now veiled by a liquid patina that soon, the Vulcan thought, would break in the form of tears.

"Spock, it's... It's horrible" she whispered.

The Vulcan nodded and decided to continue telling "On the day of the sentencing, four thousand two hundred people – including resident settlers and visitors – were taken to their deaths, including myself. However, benefiting from the resistance of the settlers that caused unrest against the military forces, I managed to get out of the place where we had been led, I ran away together with a terrestrial boy named _J_ "

"J and I were able to survive against all odds, our livelihood was reduced to zero two percent, and the food we were able to steal from abandoned homes was minimal and often deadly for J, as it was predisposed to the risk of allergic reactions for which we did not have medical remedies. With us we were able to pick up seven other children with whom we decided to survive, including a Vulcan that I had not known before, except during the preparation for the Interplanetary journey. My mental discipline at that time underwent great changes, due in part to psychophysical suffering and partly to the presence of J. For a long time I denied myself what was evident from the first moment, the presence of J was necessary to endure all the negative emotions that I could not control and also for my physical well-being"

"Spock...” Uhura began and she was now looking at him carefully "were you in love _with_ this guy?"

Spock held for a few seconds, undecided whether to answer or drop that question into a vacuum, but he had made the decision to reveal all the truth to Nyota.

He nodded, "Indeed. I never started a mind meld with him – because I was not yet able to control this practice and, above all, to do it in a state where I was compromised not only emotionally but also physically – but often he initiated a type of physical contact with me and his emotions filtered through touch giving me the _comfort_ I needed at the time. I no longer felt myself Vulcan, I had abandoned logic because of the pure survival instinct, however illogical it was, but I was too young and untrained to be able to withstand the events I was experiencing. J was the only one to be able to anchor me to reality, allowing me not to fall prey to all the emotions I could no longer control."

"Spock it was horrible and you shouldn't be ashamed of what you felt or the illogicality of your actions. You were living in _hell._ ”

"We lived in a neutral area where we could not die, but we could not even live. However, J's determination allowed us to survive” Spock said, remembering all the times J, _or Jim,_ had sacrificed for someone.

"When we were rescued by the team led by Lieutenant Kenzou, however, I was not able to know if J had been found because before the rescue we had split up. The Starfleet decided to prevent any further contact between us, this could lead us – over time – to decide to speak openly about what happened in the colony and would tarnish the reputation of the Starfleet and its inability to handle what happened on one of its own space colonies"

Uhura finished drinking his cup of tea and then got up from the table and walked to the large windows of the room, Spock could feel that silent tears were now falling from her eyelids.

"I never knew anything about J again and also, because of the mental traumas reported during that experience, some memories are confused to myself, so I could no longer remember his real name or his entire appearance, except some characteristic elements such as his eyes, his smile. The same difficulties were experienced whenever I tried to remember the names and faces of some of the other surviving children."

Spock decided to keep quiet for a few minutes and continue drinking the tea, the smell of which instilled a sense of quiet and peace as well as that special aroma had done in the past, when his mother used to prepare it.

His intention was to give Nyota time to realize and to consider everything he had revealed up to that point, he knew that his words had upset her and that he could not continue if she had not been ready.

The Lieutenant, after five points two minutes of silence, turned to him and still had his cheeks moistened by silent tears "But... Spock" woman's voice now trembled "what does Captain Kirk have to do with this story?"

Her question contained a subtext that was obvious to both of them, but he had to tell her the whole truth so that she could understand.

"On Vulcan there was a legend about telepathic bonds, it had roots in the era before the Great Reformation, when the Vulcans were a people divided into tribes constantly fighting each other. The legend concerned the bond that often arose between two warriors of different tribes. When they met often the two struggled to death, before realizing the deep mental affinity that united them and understanding their bond. Other times they recognized each other by a single glance and were able to unite their tribes by leading them together as equals. Although the connection of the legend was only the result of historical superstitions without any foundation, in the days of Tarsus IV I was convinced that it was precisely that bond that was created between me and J. My attachment to that boy was so violent that it slowed my recovery for years, even after returning to Vulcan.

Exactly four points six years ago I found out that the Earthly boy with whom I had shared the Tarsus IV experience was still alive" Spock sensed a shiver running down his back, he was clearly failing to keep his emotions suppressed and this was a serious flaw in his discipline.

"Did you find J?"

Spock nodded again, "Exactly. However, I found that J was closer than I could have imagined and that I had acted alongside him for a year without being aware of his identity."

The two looked at each other and Nyota sighed as he shook his head, clearly alarmed by the awareness of the Vulcan's words "So it's Kirk. J is Captain James Tiberius Kirk, isn't it?"

"Yes, Nyota"

" Now I understand everything. I understand why it made you lose control, I understand your pain when he died. Now I understand why you couldn't love me. And he doesn't know who you are? Didn't you tell him about it?"

Spock had imagined that even this question would come, but he didn't really have an answer.

"If even the Captain knew my identity until now he did not speak to me. However, I have never confronted him on the issue because I found it irrelevant to our professional relationship, and it may not be a wise choice to bring back to the Captain's memory such a painful past experience for him."

This time Uhura smiled bitterly, "But you don't just have a professional relationship with Kirk. You are not only his first officer, you are also his closest friend along with Dr. McCoy." She insisted "He has the right to know who you are and what you know, especially if he is not aware of it at present. What are you afraid of, Spock?"

"I am Vulcan, Nyota. Vulcans do not feel-"

"Bullshit! You know it's all nonsense, you feel much deeper emotions than me, you're just better at controlling and ignoring them. And yet now you act in fear, it's been _four_ years since you found out, Spock and he has the right to know who he was for you. Or maybe who he is _still,_ for you"

"I am not sure I understand your last statement"

Nyota massaged her temples with her forefinger and thumb and inhaled, clearly frustrated, "I know what you think of me, Spock. You have always had and still have a great regard for me as a professional and as a person. However, despite your admiration, I know that your affection for me has never gone any further, it has never been love."

"Nyota-"

"No. Let me finish." she interrupted him, now she was approaching him and carrying her palms to the sides of the pale face of the Vulcan "You, like your father before you, are able to feel a love so strong that it falters all your logical-mental discipline. The point is that a feeling as strong as the love you are able to feel, frightens you and distances you from what you should abandon yourself to love with all your might. Spock I saw you, I saw you lose your temper against Kirk after the destruction of Vulcan, I saw you crying for him and abandoning you to vengeance when you thought he was dead, I saw you _scared_ while he was about to be ejected into deep space through the Yorktown ventilation panel. On all these occasions I saw your emotions and you were never able to control them. I knew that when the Captain was with you your discipline failed, you _tried,_ but I kept staying with you because I couldn't think of letting you go, it was too painful"

Spock raised an eyebrow, surprised by the words of what until a few months before had been his companion. Her words were, however, sincere and led Spock to think – for the first time – of all his reactions when dealing with the Captain.

He thought of all the moments he had spent with Captain Kirk – locked either in his quarters or in those of the Captain – they had played chess while they were giving themselves a dinner, to all the missions they had completed together, to all the risks encountered and to how many of them had been solved for the welfare of the ship and the entire crew. Jim's eyes came to his mind as he was dying and the _pain_ he had felt in him, his own tears and his blind fury that had led him to a mad race to kill, _kill,_ Khan.

When it came to the Captain, Spock admitted, he could not apply his logical and mental discipline, emotions ran desperately within him.

"Now, Spock, now that we're finally talking and we can be honest with each other, I can tell you: you still love that Earthly boy you fought with to survive on Planet Tarsus IV. You love him deeply, more than you could love anyone else in this universe. And what you've both been through, all that pain that only you can know, well... if there’s a logic in the universe, then it is logical that after all that suffering you both find some peace. And your peace can only be found by revealing who you are, Spock."

_2264.1.9 Starfleet calendar, USS_ _Enterprice NCC – 1701 - A_

Spock watched the Captain enter the ready room and sit across the table as the Lieutenants studied the mission information that had been shared on their PADDs. Jim looked tired and worried– noted the Vulcan – and it was not difficult to speculate on the reason: the Fleet Command had ordered them to head to the Colony on Planet Melnos IV, a small planetoid of class – M that stood at the edge of the Beta quadrant and which had recently entered the possession of the Federation. Gradually the settlers who had settled on the planetoid had cut off all communication with the Fleet and any attempt to reach them had been in vain.

The Enterprise, which was a few light years away, could have reached the planetoid in three point six standard days at constant speed of warp five.

"Gentlemen," the Captain began listing the information that Fleet Command had sent to them "the Fleet Command has given us a relatively simple mission, we will have to go to the colony of Melnos IV and ascertain the conditions of the settlers and the reasons why any contact with the Federation has been drastically interrupted. According to the last contact six months ago, there has been no news from the colonists and the Planet since."

Jim passed his hand on his tired face "Although the Planet is protected by a series of Federation Outposts, it is not far from only a few light years from Romulan space, for these reasons it is not possible to exclude that it has been attacked by our enemies. When we're in orbit, I'm going down with a landing party to monitor the situation, with me, Ensign Chekov, Lieutenant Sulu, CMO McCoy, and First Officer Spock will come. In addition, Lieutenant Uhura, study all communications that have been recorded in and out of the Planet prior to the radio silence that began six months ago and report on any information that may have escaped Fleet Command."

Uhura nodded "Yes, Sir"

"Well, gentlemen, if there are no questions, you are dismissed "

The officers sat for a few seconds, but no one asked the Captain, so they got up and neatly left the room. Spock remained seated and so did the Captain.

The two looked at each other for a few seconds before Jim smiled sadly "What is it, Spock?"

The Vulcan arched an eyebrow before opening his mouth to speak "I analyzed the information provided to us by Fleet Command, Captain, also I investigated the Ionian storms that take two points six months in the atmosphere of the planetoid, the presence of such natural phenomena alters technological instruments, including communications"

Jim nodded "Yes, Spock. If anything happened, it happened during one of these storms"

"Indeed. However, it is unlikely that a Romulan attack could have occurred during an ion storm of the magnitude of those occurring on Melnos IV, their intensity should have altered the ship's controls and the same equipment as the party landed on the Planet"

"Mh. So you don't think it's the result of a Romulan attack."

Spock nodded once, "Captain... Jim, I'm not used to conjecture. I am mainly a scientist and a Vulcan, my claims are based on certain data and proven facts, however..." he took a deep breath "I am also one of the survivors of a genocide that took place on the colony of planet Tarsus IV, so it is logical to consider that the reasons why we lost contact with Melnos IV may not necessarily be due to a Romulan attack"

Jim breathed deeply and looked down on the PADD in front of him, Spock took the opportunity to get up and slowly approach his Captain, picked up his arms behind his back and stayed within a point three feet away from the man who was now staring at him.

Jim nervously licked his lips as his heart began to hammer quickly into his ribcage, it was time, he thought, they had reached the point of no return.

"We never really talked about this" whispered Jim, with an indecipherable look.

"No. But it is clear that I have knowledge of your identity, Jim."

"Obviously. I wasn't so careful in hiding it, I have to admit it" Jim got up and approached the First Officer calmly "And what should we say, now, _Shin?_ What should we do?"

Spock stiffened to the sound of that name uttered by the other, he felt something inside him, something he could not identify but that for a moment, _a single moment,_ took his breath.

"I do not know," he replied.

Jim came even closer until he entered the Vulcan's personal space, Spock dropped his arms to the sides of his body, and Jim took the opportunity to carry his hands on the other's shoulders.

"I was afraid that this moment would come and change everything, that it would transform my life irreparably forever," whispered the human, "I'm sorry I didn't keep the promise I made to you, I'm sorry, I tried to go back... I tried to -"

"No," Spock interrupted him, "you, you went back many times, you also promised that we would meet again and it happened"

Jim smiled sadly and approached his First Officer again, their faces were a few inches away, and Kirk's blue eyes were all Spock could see in that single moment, occupying his entire field of vision and realizing that he was not interested in anything but that fascinating and particular color, so _alien_ to his kind.

"I was always scared, Spock, afraid that you would hate me because I had gone away and I never came back to you. That day I was caught while trying to mislead those people, I just wanted to take them as far away from the kids as possible, from _you_ " Jim briefly blinked and Spock felt a sense of emptiness at the lack of those crystalline irises from which he seemed to drink like a thirsty in the desert. He was a Vulcan, he could survive a long time without drinking, he also came from a desert planet yet... yet at that moment he felt as if he were in the middle of the Sas-A-Shar desert thirsty and hungry and someone was tending to him water to drink and food to eat. And he did not want to refuse.

_You are feeling again, Spock. You are feeling again and you are doing it for him._

_You are a disgrace. You feel emotions._

"Jim, J, you have faced danger many times, and every time you have taken him away from us... _from me"_ Spock said.

"I longed so much to find you again, I longed that you were still alive, that you would have saved yourself from the massacre and when... when I found you I didn't have the courage to reveal you who I was. I was afraid, Spock, afraid you'd hate me."

Spock lowered, with difficulty, the gaze "I've had a similar experience, Jim, but it is impossible for me to hate you, even though I am a Vulcan, hate is not a feeling I can quell. I have hated many times during our travels and throughout my life. I hated Nero for allowing the destruction of my planet and the death of my mother, I hated Khan, for killing you, I hated Kral for kidnapping the crew and for almost killing you. I hated, most of all, Kodos, for the massacre but, above all, for the suffering it caused you. I hated myself for eating those peaches when you could not or... as it was clear to me many years later, you did not _want,_ to give sustenance to me"

Jim looked at him in distraught and for a brief moment he did not know what to say, Spock's words were unexpected, _so out of character_ , to confuse him.

The First Officer put his hands on the sides of the Captain's face, and the touch alone allowed him to know the emotions Jim was feeling, confusing and conflicting feelings that intertwined with each other, but above all, Spock recognized a feeling he had felt so many times in his life, to which he had never wanted to give a name, he had felt it in childhood for his mother, he had felt it when J had tended him the two cans of Ploomek soup, had felt it when Jim was dying, had felt it over and over again and now met it in his Captain, in his Jim.

_Is that love you're feeling, Spock?_

_Did you love him?_

_Always._

_Until the end of time._

_I have always loved him, I will always love him._

Jim sighed and looked up, pointing his gaze into Spock’s eyes and before they could realize what was happening their lips were on each other and they were tightening desperately.

  1. _1._ _13_ _Starfleet Calendar, USS_ _Enterprice_ _NCC – 1701-A_



Jim looked at Dr. McCoy frowning at the tricorder in his hands, he had just finished scanning the children.

"Bones, what is that face?" he asked, as he tried to repair his communicator with Spock's help.

The doctor did not immediately respond, but continued to stare at the tricorder before getting up and approaching the Captain and Spock "Chekov, please keep company at the children, they are terrified"

"Yes, Sir" the Ensign replied, before moving to the group of kids.

Jim looked at McCoy and arched an eyebrow "So?"

"Then the situation is damn serious, Jim. The children didn't lie, they all got sick and tricorder went crazy," the doctor told Spock, who began studying the data collected "we don't know what caused the infection, but it had an effect on adults, quickly, while the children suffered the disease much more slowly".

Jim winced "But... there are only seven children here, out of a population of eleven thousand settlers?"

The doctor looked down and shook his head, "I'm afraid these children are the only survivors of the whole planet."

_"What?_ "

McCoy looked sorryly at the Captain and Spock again gave him the tricorder "The immune system of these children, Captain, has slowed the progress of the disease, however they have not developed any immunity to it. Further analysis is needed even if we need the ship's instruments," confirmed the First Officer

"Further importantly, it is necessary to assume that given our exposure to any pathogen on the planet and to those who are currently infected, it is possible that we too have contracted the same disease," the doctor concluded.

Very well, Jim thought, they were stranded on a currently uninhabited planet where ninety-nine percent of the population had pervaded due to an as yet unknown disease and could not return to the ship because the ion storm made communication and teleportation impossible.

And the seven children they found were suffering from the same unknown disease and were likely to die at any moment.

Jim got up and approached the children who were laughing, fascinated by whatever Chekov was telling them, knelt down and smiled at them, the children looking at him curiously.

"So guys, are you having fun with your new friend?" he smiled.

One of the boys nodded and stood in front of the others, not supposed to be more than twelve years old but had a resolute look and seemed to want to shield the others, he had long black hair and clenched fists on the sides of his hips. Jim’s heart clenched at the thought of what the children had to endure on their own, while everyone went crazy and died.

"What do you want to do with us?" the little boy asked.

"Just help you, but we need you to tell us everything that happened. I am Captain James Kirk and these men are part of my crew, we all work on the spaceship Enterprise," the Captain said, "we want to help you and take you to a safe place, where adults can take care of you, but you have to tell us everything that happened."

The little boy thought about it a little, then turned to look at his companions who, unsure, stared at him. The little boy was soon joined by a little girl, much smaller than him who took a hand and looked at the Captain "Adults are bad, they... they hurt," she said with wet eyes.

Jim smiled sadly, "We're not like them, we really want to help you," he said, emphatically gesticulating, "What are your names?"

The boy hugged the little girl closer "My name is Kai, she is Sheila. They are Alex, Amanda, Kriya, Maxine and Josh"

Jim nodded, "Thank you. I am Jim and this is Pavel, they are my First Officer Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Lieutenant Sulu."”

Spock approached the Captain and little Kai looked at him curiously "What do you want to know?"

"Everything that happened"

Kai sighed but another boy came forward and placed his hand on his shoulder "We don't know what happened, we just know that one day the adults started to go crazy, at first it was just someone, they behaved strangely, they were aggressive and eventually fell to the ground in convulsions and died"

"How long has it taken for the children to take the same symptoms?" asked Spock.

The child he had spoken to, Josh, thought about the question "A month and a half from the first case, when the first child got sick there were only five adults still alive"

"Have you ever heard adults talk about the causes of this disease? Anything?" asked Jim

Amanda, who now came forward, said: "My father was a doctor, one day I heard he was talking about fungus, I don't know if it would be useful. He said fungus were probably the problem."

The Captain passed his hand over his face and smiled bitterly.

Damned fungus.

  1. _11.15 Starfleet calendar, USS Enterprice NCC – 1701-A_



"Jim, damn it! You have to stand still or I won't be able to inject you with this sedative," McCoy grunted as he pressed a hypospray over the Captain's neck.

"Fuck" complained Jim "Can't you just leave me alone?"

"No, I can't, Jim. The disease is spreading and your body, in no more than twenty-four hours will give in completely to it"

"And then I will die! How are the children?"

McCoy sighed and set aside the now-empty spray "Bad, Jim. They've been highly exposed to the pathogen, they're collapsing"

"And the vaccine? Was Spock able to isolate the pathogen?"

"The damn elf is working hard to recreate the vaccine, but we don't have enough material, we should have refueled before this mission, but things went differently. We need mefloquine and the nearest planet on which to recover it is the Earth but also traveling at the greater speed of curvature, we would arrive late and for you and the children will be... well, _late"_

Jim smiled sadly, "Do what you can for the kids"

Spock rushed into the sickbay where the Captain had been hospitalized, he raised his hand to knock but the door was open and the Captain was telling a story to the children who now sat around him on the bed.

"The Queen turned purple with anger, and after staring wildly at her like a ferocious beast, she shouted, "Cut off her head, now!" the Captain rang, "You're mad! answered Alice aloud and firmly; and the Queen was silent. The King put his hand on the Queen's arm, and said timidly, Reflect, my dear, she is a child!"

"No, they're going to kill Alice," Sheila jumped.

"Shut up, no they're not going to kill her, are they, Captain Kirk?" added Kai.

Jim smiled before looking up on his First Officer staring at him with his hand suspended in the air ready to knock.

"Spock" Jim smiled "Come, please"

The children turned to look at him "Mr. Spock!" they smiled.

"Children"

"I was telling the kids the story of Alice in Wonderland," Jim added, "you know the story, Spock?"

Spock nodded briefly, "Affirmative, my mother used to tell me the same story during my childhood"

"Mr. Spock want to stay and hear the rest of the story?" asked Alex.

Spock looked at The Captain, "Yes, do you want to stay and hear how the story ends, Spock?"

Spock heard something wagging inside him as he nodded and sat in a chair next to the biobed "With pleasure, Captain"

And as Jim resumed telling the story Spock remembered how that same man was once just a kid telling him and other kids the same stories, locked in a cave on Tarsus IV. And even now, as then, Spock was in danger of losing him at any moment.

_Unacceptable._

"What does it mean that there isn't enough vaccine for everyone, Spock?"

“Jim don’t-“

"No, Bones! I can't..." he passed his hand over his wet eyes from the tears that had begun to come down "I can't believe you injected me with a vaccine that could have saved the children... damn, _damn it!"_ he yelled exasperatedly.

"Captain our first duty is to ensure your survival as the Captain of the vessel, the regulation clearly stipulates -"

"I don't care anything about the regulation, Spock! What do we do with the other children? You didn't contract the disease, fine! But my dose... he could have saved another of those children... I... I _can't, I can't accept it!_ Who decides my life is worth more than theirs? _Who?_ "

Spock inhaled deeply.

He had heard that speech before, and although he agreed with the Captain as he had agreed with J on Tarsus IV, this time it was different, he was the First Officer of the Enterprise and it was his duty to ensure the Captain's well-being before anyone else. His choice was contrary to the logical dictates of his species, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the _one,_ however the Rules of the Fleet were clear on the matter and, deep down, Spock felt to agree with them. Although he was a Vulcan and adhered to the teachings of his kind with rigour and firmness, he was also aware of his half-human nature and the fact that he wanted to save Jim more than anything else in the universe.

"I don't accept it," Jim whispered, passing a hand over his tired eyes, "I don't accept it, not from you, Spock. You know what it means, you _lived_ it with me!"

Spock clasped his arms behind his back and looked at the Captain trying to quell all the pain he felt inside him, "Yes, Jim, I lived it with you. But you are the Captain and the Rules is clear about it, besides I can not deny to fully agree with them. I do not feel sorry for accepting Dr. McCoy's decision to inoculate the vaccine," he said, before making a brief bow and leaving the sickbay.

Jim stared at him to go away fought between following him to apologize or punch him for what he had done. Spock knew, _he knew,_ and yet he still decided for someone else's life or death.

_2264.1.18 Starfleet calendar, USS Enterprice_ _NCC – 1701-A_

Captain Kirk was drinking whiskey sitting at the bar at the observation deck on Bridge E, watching the stars slide slow around the vessel that was floating outside the warp, waiting for new orders from the Command.

They had ejected the bodies of two children from the ship, while the other five were still recovering from the trauma and the virus and were still confined in the sickbay.

He could not forgive himself for what had happened, he felt as if he had failed, as if he did not deserve his position, his power, as if his entire career had not been worth anything to that one, isolated, error.

Within him he was devastated by those two deaths and the delay in rescuing the colony on Melnos IV, after returning from Tarsus IV for a long time he had hated the Fleet for their delay in intervening, but now he was part of starfleet and was guilty of the same crimes.

He drank another sip of whiskey as he heard footsteps approaching behind him, he did not turn to look but stood staring at the stars.

“Jim”

The Captain sighed, closing his eyelids, that voice was his weak point. He, who had never had any weaknesses, now knew he was going to die for that voice.

"I feel the weight of their deaths on my shoulders, Spock," he admitted, blinking.

He didn't see the Vulcan nodding, "I share the same weight, Captain. As much as I have acted according to protocol, I cannot deny that my actions are an unbearable burden"

Jim turned to look at his First Officer, and in those damn expressive deep eyes he saw a frightened and hungry Vulcan boy struggling to stay alive.

"You're not like Kodos, Spock, I'm sorry for what I said. You're not and you'll never be like him, I was angry, hurt and I failed. I didn't have to tell you those things."

Spock looked toward the stars outside the ship "Kaiidth. As much as it may seem to your eyes as indifference or coldness, my discipline is all I have, it is all that helps me to categorize and understand"

Jim smiled bitterly.

_Kaiidth._

_What it is, is._

"I kept seeing you in my nightmares, after Tarsus. I kept seeing that guard on you, and I... I had to... I had to protect you.”

Spock stretched two fingers toward Jim's hand, and closed them around the Captain's fingers. It was so simple and _logical_ to need that physical contact.

"I went through the same difficulties, I felt the need to find you before it was too late. I have, for a long time, felt remorse for allowing you to leave"

Jim clasped his grip on Spock's fingers. What were they doing?

_What's this?_

"It's a bond, Jim. It's a bond that I thought was just a Vulcan legend, a bond between peers, brothers, friends, lovers... a bond between warriors"

The two looked at each other "Spock I... I have responsibilities, I have the life of the crew on my shoulders, I have a career, I have the Enterprise"

Spock nodded, "I share your responsibilities, Jim. I want to stay by your side and ensure the safety of the crew and yours”.

Jim smiled and that was all they needed at the time.

They would walk together, on the same side, as they had done before, and as they would do in the future because they were each other's destiny.

_We'll see each other again. No matter how, no matter where, we’ll meet again. I'll come back for you._


End file.
